Almost Halftime Speech

I deleted it all. I deleted the bad memories. All the reminders of how I got hurt. Some posts stayed. They stayed as symbols for me. Symbols that they should never be repeated.

I spent a lot of time searching for myself. I think I get too immersed in love, career, health, finances, family, and making it from day to day that I forget about the most important person.... Me. I know I give an oversensitive reaction to too much stress especially when I take on too many things. I learned how to say no and chill the fuck out a little. I began to think more about the world. Observe more. And forget the negative things that I have encountered. Since then I have grown as a person, as a woman. I think many of the lessons that were conveyed to me started manifesting themselves in true form and I'm happier because of it. I started understanding the world and people for who they are. And I think it increased my wisdom, but I also can be imagining that too.

As for me, I started appreciating me for me. In how I look and taking pride in the things I do and say while accepting criticism as it comes. I wrote down specific aims for me to work on a person throughout the year and so far, almost halfway through, I'm progressing.

I'm in a happier state. I was putting everyone else before me. This time will be different. :)

And Don't Forget!!!

Support a nonprofit to help uplift the children of NYC!!! Go to www.coolkidsny.org today

About this Take-Home HIV Test....

So while I've had ample time to mentally and physically get my life together I've decided to return from my blogging hiatus on a health-related note (since my life seems completely surrounded by health information anyway). Now what has recently happened is that the FDA has approved a take-home HIV test. (article link below)

ABC New: FDA Approves first rapid take-home HIV test

I'm sure most people would be clapping right now because of this new avenue of sexual health prevention and accessibility, but not so fast... Did they even think about how effective this new thing really is? Just because you make something that sounds amazing does NOT mean that it is guaranteed to be amazing. This is a problem many people in the health arena have when creating a new program, initiative, policy, or product. I mean this product sounds great but everything has pros and cons to it. So for my inquisitive people, who care about health in any form or fashion, here are my top 5 cons to why I think this take-home HIV test won't be a good idea.

#5 "Affordability"
Ok... so you have a take-home test but how affordable is it going to be? You expect people to drop $60 on a HIV test that they can get for free at the neighborhood clinic? Lets be real. Affordability is an ongoing problem in the world of health then they state that this test is going to run them that much. When people have the HIV tests blasted to them for free only a few use these opportunities. Now you think its going to get the people going when you tell them that its $60? People will drop $600 on an iphone before they get a FREE HIV test every 6 months now! But who listens to the little asian girl anyway right?

---> Another article <----

#4 "Timing"
So if you are thinking about buying this take home HIV test, do you know what the time period is in order to test yourself correctly? One thing that health products have a hard time doing is EXPLAINING THINGS, so I wouldn't put it past the makers to forget key things that the public should know in their cute packets. Understand that most HIV tests diagnose HIV infection by detecting antibodies produced by the individual's immune system when they are exposed to HIV. However, it does take some time for enough of those antibodies to be present to be detected by the antibody HIV test. The time it takes for people to have produced enough antibodies varies; anywhere from 2 to 8 weeks or longer, with the average being about 25 days. Now, if that is something that is not explained in the instructions, you are going to have people buying this test the day after they have sex thinking that they don't have HIV, when their status is still questionable. So, if your timing isn't correct you just wasted approximately $60. So, proceed with caution.



#3 "Confidentiality"
You bought the test with a credit or debit card (just like 80% of the people that you know since we are too cool to carry cash these days) and now that shows up in your statement, on your bank statement, and the company knows who you are too. How confidential is that? Then, after you used the test, its in your garbage. Regardless of whether it is a positive or negative test your personal health information is just as important as your social security number. And most of the people that will use the test will just throw it in the garbage. I wonder if the makers thought about that.

#2 "Notification"
Ok maybe you have responses for my last 3 concerns but how will you control those people who don't notify their partner for HIV? When you test in a health facility they urge you or take control by notifying your current or recent partner that they should also get tested for HIV. But, if you give people the option to take it at home I am curious of the likelihood for them to call up their current or recent partner and say "Hey I have HIV". With the stigmas around HIV, I can imagine it would be difficult for one to notify someone they are not in a relationship with/casually involved with/ dating/ married to/(insert whatever relationship statuses you identify with). I've personally seen some people who are hesitant to notify their partner in a health setting so I can imagine what kind of hesitation would be involved if the only person who knows of their HIV status is themselves. It leaves too much leeway for the "no one has to know" factor. Not sure if that will be addressed in the take home HIV test package.


#1 "After Shock"
The final concern that I have regarding this issue is people and their initial reaction to a positive HIV test. People will most likely be in the privacy of their own home taking this test and what happens when they first find out they might have HIV? Most reactions of people who find out can range from shock to depressed to suicidal. How will we monitor that? The American Psychological Association talks about a case study that analyzed a possible correlation between HIV diagnosis and suicide. It showed that the rate of suicide attempts in their test population increased after diagnosis. Although this is a small test population its still leaves question as to how people will react after they find out they have HIV. What is the likelihood they will seek additional care? Will they be at risk for suicidal thought? Will there be resources included in this package to help prevent this? I don't know.

Part of my job is to analyze, question, understand, then improve so maybe I'm trained to look into this more than usual. But, this post was not intended for you to say "Eff the take home HIV test", but rather to think about these new products. You might think this is a good idea, but until my issues regarding this product have a solution, I'm not sold. People are quick to agree to things without questioning for themselves. Question to understand. And.. STOP waiting for this take-home HIV test to know your status.

A Nice lil throwback from 2007 that I'm listening to: Little Dragon - "Constant Surprises"
(sidenote I love Yukimi Nagano's voice!)

"Fear the Angels in the City": Relay For Life....

This will be a short post. Promise.

I could't sleep and I looked at my wall at those running tags I hung up when I moved into my apartment. I remember having a convo with Ayesha at 1412 about how track played a major part in our lives. And I thought to myself. It did. I owe my track coach my success. If there wasn't anyone to believe in me or my track team, our track coaches especially Vinny did.

People came from everywhere to run with us: college alumni, Bronx, Harlem, Queens, Long Island, Brooklyn, Staten Island. We made up the TTC/Starlets/ SPHS "camp". Track wasn't just our sport. It was our life. He knew what it took to make great runners, motivated individuals, and all-around successful people despite what you were dealing with internally and externally. We spent 7 days a week together as a team. Workouts, time trials, weight room, Sunday 10 mile runs, races. Rain, sleet, snow, hail, thunderstorm, sun, helicopters flying around the projects, whatever. We were there. And I miss it.

(Don't mind this picture its old and I look bad grrr)

Practice not only prepared me to be on a team. Our coaches built us to have heart. Whatever it is we pursue in life. I'll never forget how many times he recited Theodore Roosevelt's speech excerpt, "Man In The Arena". One of the reasons I can never forget the excerpt lol:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Below is a glimpse of one of the weekly talks we used to get from Vinny Giles (our coach) posted by one of my track sisters Whitney. (This is an amazing video by the way Whit)

I can never forget to Keep Striving.

2012: Year of The Come-up

Straight up now tell me... lol



Ok.... I have been waiting patiently to do this... A "Lets reflect on where I was a year ago" post. I was all fucked up a year ago. I lost EVERYTHING. My man left me because he was scared. I had nowhere to live because we were supposed to move in with each other. On top of that, I spent the last 2 months of my undergraduate semester sleeping on my homegirl's floor. (SIDENOTE: Seriously Brit, I am IN DEBT to you forever, I stayed in your house rent free at one of theeee lowest points in my life. You were there when I needed somewhere to live and you were right there when I was depressed. Now THAT is a homegirl forreal forreal. Anyways....) I had no more job prospects lined up because they were all on the west coast and I turned down everything on the east coast. I just got laid off from my federal job, no one was hiring, and I was nervous about graduating. Like. If I didn't pass that ONE class I wasn't graduating. Typical struggle for most but it was alot for me at one time. That was end of 2010/2011. Now let's talk about where I am now.

Let's start with employment. So during that 2011 time I was in my mother's house (something I told her I wouldn't do the day I left for college) applying for jobs. I applied to Philly, NYC, DC, Jersey, VA, wherever. I was on a schedule. Each day I would wake up at 9a and apply until 4p. It. Sucked. So. Bad. I remember even tellin Van that companies posting jobs was a joke. Seemed like so many jobs were available but no one was hiring. Then there was that one day I got that email from the Philadelphia Dept of Public Health. It was a win in my eyes. Somewhat of a stable paycheck and got to get out of my moms house. It was a contract position for Health educator for 6 months. At that point, I didn't care. It was money and I had to start somewhere. To date, I haven't left yet. I was promoted from Health Educator to Health Program Coordinator. I went from working on a project, to heading 3 projects and writing a policy. **Steph voice** "Know Me".

The second thing is something I am soooo insecure about: my weight. I'm going to be real. In 2011, I let my depression take over my life. I ate too damn much and let the weight pack on. By March of 2011 I was 210 lbs. Yes, bitch. Two hundred and eleven pounds. I. Lost. It. I decided to get my life together and do everything I could to lose weight. I'm talking pole dancing class, yoga, P90x, Insanity, gym workouts, running, reduced-carb diet, no carb diet, Beyonce lemonade diet... all that... Finally I got into a good workout regimen and stuck with it for a while. One year later I am 43lbs lighter. I feel blessed to have the courage to stick with my workout plan. But, I needed to get my life together.

This was me THEN in 2011:

This is me NOW in 2012:

(Lol I feel like a fat commercial or something)
Even now my workout regimen is as follows:
Monday- Run the Ben Franklin Bridge, gym workout
Tuesday- Gym, pole dancing class
Wednesday- pole dancing class
Thursday- run the Ben Frankling bridge, gym
Friday- pole dancing class, yoga
Saturday- chill
Sunday- chill (and in some not lazy cases yoga)

The last comeup I think I have experienced is just gaining insight on things and stop being so emotionally invested in people. I've learned to let go on alot of things: friends, relationships, people, job opps, etc etc. There are alot of people that don't want to see you succeed and it takes some squinting to see it. But its there. I've made a re-dedication to ME and where I want to be in life. It took me a while to realize that. And no one is going to stop me now **Akon voice** "Cuz I'm a rider, I'm a sole survivor.." lol...

"Cette Fois L'an Dernier": Breaking the Hiatus...

Now Playing: "The City"- The Game, Kendrick Lamar.. Kendrick Lamar goes in on this track and I highly appreciate it...

Soo yea... I have finally returned from my hiatus. My hiatus initially started because work picked up and then slowly progressed into a learning experiment. Its only been a lil over two months and surprisingly I have learned alot about myself. I'm just going to write this out in random sentences because I don't have the patience to throw this into like 6 blogposts (I have other things to do).

First things first. I don't trust people. I think most people will betray you at some point and I would rather be alone than risk it by trusting someone else. Its probably because of my upbringing but whatever, I'm working on it... I hate liars. I get really disappointed when people let me down. I think that people like to assume are all idiots... I find myself falling into the true virgo construct: lose interest as fast as I gain it. Whatever... Call it keeping up with the times. I take pride in the circle of the female and male friends that I have, I love each and every one of you. I think I have learned to confide in each of you alot more... I learned in this time that I easily get overwhelmed. When that happens, I break the absolute fuck down. I'm learning to control it. Eh... I learned that when I stop living for you, I start living for me. And that made me realize my worth. Ladies, when u try this it will be so liberating #Trust. Also, thank you jedi for that talk about being pragmatic in approach. I have been able to apply it to a number of things and it has helped me sooo much... I realized that I can't be scared anymore. Scared of what is and what isn't. That will impede my learning progress... I need to control alot of things mentally that I thought I could do by myself...

I learned in relationships to let the fuck go whether it be friendships, significant other, whatever. If you can't change it, don't try to anymore. Stop caring more about people and their well-being than they care about you... I was talking with one of my best friends, Le, about jealousy. Being jealous fucking sucks. I was moderately jealous in the past, but thats because I didn't care about the men I dated as much as I thought. I would just "fake love" them and leave them. Then when I did care it was all over for me. I got overwhelmed. Too much. Relationships are a learning process for all parties involved... For everyone else in a relationship, whatever you do when your significant other isn't around picture your significant other in the same situation. If its something you wouldn't like to see, then I suggest you shouldn't do it either. If it gets you tight when the situation is reversed or you know damn well in your heart you wouldn't like it, then don't do it yourself. At all. A difference in perception can be the difference in your relationship. Let it marinate. Moving on, I learned I'm obsessed with budgeting my money.Maybe thats a good thing... One thing I do hate though is when people offer me "hush money" or money to make up for something else. No. Bitch. I want what I asked for and if you throw money in my face, I'll throw something physical at your face. I came from a society that believes in Hammurabi's Code and there is nothing to really get me out of that... I learned that I was built to be a CEO. I have this "I don't give a fuck Imma say what I can and I will get the job done" attitude. 2 of my coworkers call me "Ms. Sassy". I have no fear in the workplace sometimes (gift and a curse). I'm not over my job, I'm over the politics behind it... I'm trying to think what else I have learned...... Oh.... I immerse myself too much in my work. The fact that I read during, after, and before work makes me think what else am I doing? I go out here and there, workout, but thats about it. Smh. Boring...

In the meantime, I'll be here waiting for my graduate school applications to be processed. Hopefully I get into my programs **crosses fingers***

Happy Black History Month

#BlackLove lol

I Watch the War From My Porch...

Imagine walking into work and someone refers to you as an intern and you are a full-time employee. Wouldn't that piss you off? Hi. My name is Christina Michele G. This happens to me virtually every day. I have my Bachleor's in Public Health (so far... I have a ways to go with more schooling...) I am 24 and a Health Program Coodinator. I oversee 3 programs, am an active member of the Women's Medical Fund, currently outlining a study that I will be submitting to the IRB that may shed light on issues that are commonly ignored, and conducting research to write a new health policy that will hit the city of Philadelphia by late 2012/early 2013. My goal is to improve the health of the people internationally through education and programming on all tiers. This job I have is only step 1.

First, the appropriate music must be played (DJ drop that beat)


This is a topic that is very near and dear to me. I think 3 things that inspired me to write this was 1. "Saving Superman", 2. reading my homegirl @T_Lloyd blogpost (which you can read here) and listening to my linesister, @GenishaMone speak at the C.O.O.L. Kids E-board thank-you brunch. (Sit down. Quick storytime.) Creating Our Own Legacy Kids is a nonprofit 501(c)3 organization that was started in 2010. Genisha envisioned helping children in need and her first thought was to duplicate an idea in NYC she had seen before. It was an annual Christmas party for underprivileged youth. A group of us college alumni came together to raise thousands of dollars using grassroots tactics to put on a Christmas party with games, presents, cookie decorating, moon bounce, face painting, food, books, christmas decorations, santa hat making among other things... at no cost to the kids... All they had to give back was a smile showing that they had a great time... For some kids, that is the only joyous moment they have to indulge in. The adversities they face or have faced may be greater than we can fathom ourselves. In 2010, it was an idea. An idea that was thought to be a one-time venture. In 2011, Genisha took it a step further and made it a non-profit. Its going to keep growing and making a difference in NYC. You want to know more or even get involved check us out: www.coolkidsny.org



Now, back to the story. Her speech. She said one thing that honestly made me tear up: "It's a war out there for these kids. They are living in a society where they're shown nothing but failure. I just want to show them that there is a way". She's right. Think about it. There IS a war outside. And that factor right there is what lead me to my choice in career.



I love my job. Its not because of the benefits, not because of the pay, but because I am in a position where I can incorporate health with educating the people around us. There are many days that its hard. So many times I'm stressed. I am the youngest one in my department. There are days I have to take work home to read research to understand my population better when I really should be sleeping. There are meetings where I have to conduct trainings and lectures to doctors, nurses, seasoned health professionals, and city and state government officials. Yet, they doubt my depth of knowledge because I don't have enough letters following my name. There are policies that try to limit the extent of my work or my involvement with the community but I work to bend them to achieve the goal of educating the people. And everyday I have to strive harder and harder to stand my ground and prove that I deserve to be there and I am more capable than anyone else to disseminate health education. My goal is for the department to be more in tune with the needs of the people and I will utilize every moment of my time to do everything I can to make that happen. I do it after work through meetings with various organizations, speaking to youth or adults at conferences about health, and volunteering. It pains me to tell 12 year old girls that they are pregnant. It kills me that a woman was a few weeks away from having a baby but couldn't read the health pamphlet I gave her. I sat with her to read the whole pamphlet to her. It disturbs me knowing that there are teens that have stated that getting pregnant was a surefire way for them to get benefits... its as though they seen it as a last resort to their problems. I have work to do. Sometimes I need to remind myself that sacrifice may give way to solution. The sacrifices we make everyday, may be their solution.



We are fighting a war in our front yard. In our chosen paths, we are fighting for them because they may not be able to. We stand in a position where we can inspire and educate the masses. When I mean we, I don't mean me and Genisha. There are more. Way more. Inspiring you through words. Encouraging you through their actions. Paving the way for you and me... just so we can use our tools to pave the way for others. We are keeping them out of prisons, off the street, and even assisting them in living another day on this earth. I have talked about in other posts about finding your purpose. Well, this is ours. This is mine. As I said before, we have a lot of work to do. And every day we aren't only reaching to advance our careers, but we are also reaching fervently for progress. Progress in the society we live in. Here is my homegirl, another leader in our society, @JamiraBurley. Just as Genisha's calling is to build doors of opportunity for the African American youth when they seemed trapped, her calling is to fight. Its to fight for the voice of our youth in our government and inspire those around us to prevent youth violence. If there is anyone who can hear them calling for help, I can assure you its her. Please watch her speech at the 2010 Campus Progress National Conference. Be inspired. When you hear your calling, please answer.

Doesn't It Feel Like Christmas?

In response to the title of this post? Hell no. It sure as hell doesn't. Christmas was all of yesterday and the last time I seen snow was ummm... hmm... Halloween? Yea man. Fuck this. This was in front of my apartment circa Halloween 2011.



What the hell is going on? Wait. Why the fuck am I complaining? I'm good off of that ratchet snow. Its bad enough that its OD cold out here (Don't debate me). I need something to get me in that Christmas-y mood (despite its the day after Christmas. Whatever) before I start this post. Kick it Destiny's Child.



So yesterday I survived yet another split holiday with my boyfriend. Those joints can get quite difficult if not planned correctly. Like. You dead have to map out where, what time, and how long you are going to stay there to make sure you get all the necessary elements of see family, small talk and catching up, exchanging gifts, pose for family picture, and swift exit to keep all parties happy. Gives me a headache when I think about it. Uuuuggghhhhhh. Holidays get more complicated these days. But, hey, I had a great time this year. Keep reading, I'm not done writing yet dammit. I'm gonna go on about this stupid Christmas party.



So... I experienced the first Christmas party at my job. That sure as hell was a fail. I mean, the food was good but anyone reading my tweets will tell you that I was sending incessant cries for a superman to come save me from the perils of coworkers. I swear. Why do I have to make an effort to socialize with ya'll? I'm pretty content with the friends I have. Just let me save the community, get my paycheck, and be on my way. I'm not interested in seeing ya'll after work and no, I'm not giving you my personal cell phone number let alone my office extension. Just everything made me upset. I had an annoying coworker say "Hey what do you plan to do in the long run?" Then when I tried to explain it Barney-style to her she was say "That doesn't make sense". Bitch, I didn't ask for your opinion. I was tempted to say "My life goals are to make more money and not end up like you" but my professional side said "Let's not get fired quite yet. We need to stack a lil more so relax". So I walked off from her midway through her babbling on about what she wanted to do in the long run. Bitch, you're old. You're "long run" ends like tomorrow b.



I swear surviving this Christmas party was like a fucking game of Jumanji. What the hell is going on? Someone even decided to spike the eggnog (which I don't drink. What the fuck is eggnog anyway? Sounds like a new STD). How did I know? A certain someone had a bottle of vodka that was clearly just opened and now 25% full hidden under the table. Oh. Swag ya'll out, huh? Eggnog lead to the whole office playing Dirty Minds. This inappropriate game is where one person uses clues to describe an action or object. Now the catch is that the clues have sexual connotations. An example is "What fits neatly between your breasts, works best when tugged, and inserts neatly into a hole?" Now if you had a twisted mind (somewhat sort of like mine) you'd say a penis. However the REAL answer is a seat belt. Liquor plus this game? Yea. I'll be right here in the corner yo.



The last level of this never-ending chaos is when a coworker who clearly quit came back for the office party. I like to call her "Ultimate fighter" because she has this weave that seems to never be done but she tries to convince everyone that she just got it done. Nah. You're weave is tired of fighting mama. ANYWHO, Ultimate fighter came and she crashed the party with her thick ghetto accent and tacky self. Like... You quit 3 weeks ago and you didn't bring a dish. I just wanted to call security the whole time. Although she sounded below my pay grade, something in me made me feel like each moment I listened to her was community service for me. You know, giving back and what not. The funny thing is that her presence not only annoyed me, but other people yet my boss welcomed her back like we were supposed to have a parade for her or something. If I was the boss, shorty woulda had to holla merry Christmas from the office hallway. Fuck. Your. Plate. Oh and happy kwanzaa, bitch.



Now the apex of this Christmas office party (besides the ending of it) came after when a coworker of mine reenacted a tradition that I used to do. She picked a certain number of ornaments, wrote a different characteristic on each one, and had people blindly pick one ornament out of a bag. Its kinda a karma thing. Whatever characteristic you pick out is said to be the one that manifests itself the most throughout the year. Funny enough, I picked one. It was "insight". I'm not sure what the hell that means right now but I'm kinda intrigued what the year will bring me. Insight? How? To who? To what degree? I guess imma have to wait till 2012 hits. In the meantime, I have restarted that tradition. I have a strategic list of 18 people who will participate. I say strategic because I the people I have chosen are not at random. It is all for a reason. I cannot wait to see how it turns out. Sometimes the best gift you can give your friends is good karma and I think the people I have chosen deserve it in soooo many ways.

But the morals of writing this whole post? Hope for good karma in the year to come and FUCK OFFICE PARTIES. Till next time....

**taps mic** Is This Thing On?!?!?

Did... Yall... Miss... ME?!?!?!?! Of course not... Some of ya'll don't even know who he hell I am so just forget that question. Anyways, where the hell have I been? I've been in the magical place where ratchetness meets professionalism and where liquor flows from the fountain of youth. Anyone who follows me on twitter (find meeeee @C_Michele1L shameless plug) will notice the difference between my Sunday thru Thursday and my Friday/Saturday swag. Sue me. I work hard. **tity boi voice** Its mine, I spend it. aaahhhhh waaaiiitttt my song is on!!!! **booty pops in chair***



Well... soo... yea... That music video looks kinda like the parties I've been going to for the past 2 months... And thus explains my hiatus... I've lost my license once, debit card twice, acquired things ranging from champagne flutes to chicken nuggets to car keys (mind you I didn't have a car for a while) in my purse on my ratchetty evenings, and had a slew of sit-downs with my friends that have always started out with "ok, so what exactly happened yesterday?" I know its living trife but hey YOLO (You Only Live Once) naaaahhh mean?!?!?!?!?!


I've been partying, oversleeping, working at the "plantation" (yes, that is what I call my job), studying in between, getting calls from everywhere, and making and breaking appointments. Its what I do, its how I live. I'll get over it tomorrow. However, reality started hitting when I was studying for the GREs and leading up to the GREs. It was that tense feeling that built up in my soul of "Damn, I'm really going back to school". I'm kinda excited, kinda not. I'm excited because I took off a year like I stated in December 2010 and now I get to embark on a new journey. This will officially be my second chance at med school. Graduate school will give me the opportunity to delve deeper into the realm of health, let me move up another pay grade, and give me the chance to get the grades I deserve for med school (finally) minus the extra-curricular drama I experienced in undergrad and the added stress of "just trying to get a degree". Fuck it. I have full benefits and a decent salary now. If I decide to back out of grad school I have other avenues I can drive down (**kanye voice** "Who gon stop me haaannnnhhh"). I'm not excited because it officially marks that I'm getting older and I have to slow my life the fuck down. Like by 75%. No more exclusive restaurant openings and invite-only events. No more VIPs on the weekend. No more "lemme take the day off so I can rehab my system because that liquor yesterday had me feeling like I was incepted". Smh. Its bout to be extra boring. The only happy hour imma be experiencing is the hour of sleep I'll get between work and classes. Yea. I said it.


Now what can I say to the rest of ya'll? Well... I just wanna encourage ya'll to take advantage of your 20s. We are in the only time in our life (besides retirement) where we can be selfish. You have money (Don't front), no obligations to anyone else, and at an age where doing something stupid isn't looked down upon. Think about it. You have a drunk night now, people will say "damn you had a good night". You have a drunk night at 40, people are already googling the nearest AA sessions for you as a Christmas present. Don't debate me. I didn't ask for your opinion dear reader. lol.

Ok. Now lets get back to the topic: DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. You like to read all day? Fuck it. Go for it. You fly all over the world. Good. Bring me some shit back for me. You attend church every Sunday. Amazing. Stay devoted. Add me in your prayers (Every ratchet needs a blessing here and there, no?). Whatever the hell it is, I want you to do it to the fullest (that sentence sounded weird but I don't feel like changing it right now). Focus on you. Focus on the amazing memories you can make. Focus on preserving the moment now more than any other time in your life. You need to experience. You need to grow. Just make sure you don't get caught up in some craziness that'll land you in jail or something (well, more like don't end up in jail with a record. Sometimes, you just get arrested for the dumbest things). It'll be worth it. Trust me. And when you get to that point that you are done you're gonna be so happy you took advantage of what life has to offer: from travelling to partying with different people to extreme sports like hang-gliding. As for me, I gotta cut back (Key word cut back, not stop. **waves rolex** "Thought I told you that we don't stop"). I did exactly what I stated I was gonna do for 2011: jump start my career, re-up on bigger and more connected people to add to my contact list, and just go crazy. Going out and all that was apart of the "I've been in undergrad way too long so I deserve this" 2011 package. So next time you go out, have a shot for me. You work hard. You deserve to have a great time :)

I See You...

Meet me at the top, where the air is crisp...

(played this a while ago, but I heard it and fell in love all over again with the track... Here is the short video)

Ambitious Girl- Wale

In Hindsight....

Yesterday, I had a bad day. I spent about 4 hours in the studio. Not just any studio. Pole dancing class studio. I had to relieve stress and working out was my only option. I needed to get away from the daily chaos that I continually placed myself in. I did my routine to the same song I was planning to use for the competition that I have been training for the past 3 and a half months. The same competition that I dropped out of 2 weeks ago. Partly because of external problems, partly because I felt I wasn't ready. And the Virgo in me wants nothing less than perfection. But that's not what I came here to talk about. Excuse me while I play this as I write. It is just a beautifully crafted song that always gets me in the zone....





For almost two years now, I have been taking pole dancing classes. It has provided me with a platform of strength training, competition, alternative workout, fun after-work activity, etc. Now, before you say "Hey Christina you trying out to become a stripper?" I want you to hold your tongue and keep reading because that IS NOT what I aimed to do. As in previous blog posts, I explained that I used to run track in high school. I was also involved with ballet. My strength was in track. My heart was in ballet. Track gave me a release for my physical feelings of stress and anger. Ballet gave me a canvas for self-expression and art. It was like when I ran I converted my feelings into competition but when I danced I felt like I lost myself in the music and I drew stories in choreographed movements. How could two things totally unrelated relate to each other? Well... As high school progressed, I dropped out of ballet. I didn't have the body for it. No, I didn't give up. I just didn't have the body type that would allow me to compete on a more intense level. And that is just the reality of that craft. Puberty concluded and I had curves other than the smile on my face. Thanks to dad's black genes they trumped mom's asian ones which caused me to inherit thick thighs. I was tight because I remember how much I've wanted to dance ballet professionally when I was younger. But, hey, no worries. I loved my curvy self. I felt like it gave me an edge to my black-asian image. Like, how many black-asian girls you see with thick thighs? (Ok, let me turn down the volume of my conceit. **Wooossaaaahhhh**) So, in between the demi-plie's and releve's, I decided it was just one of those dreams that I had to let go. It happens. No sense in fighting genetics. That's like a battle you will not win. Lol.


Even though I wrapped that dream up, I decided to focus on track. It became my everything. I can even remember excerpts from my college application essay that talked about how running track changed my life and the parallels I made between the stages you go through in a race on the track and the stages you go through in life. I even compared morals to Gatorade. That's how serious I was. Anyways, three years ago I was told by my orthopaedic doctor that because of my long- and mid-distance training from high school and in college (We did an average of 30+ miles a week >_< ) I developed bad nerves in my lower back, twisted kneecaps, and chondromalacia patella. My heart dropped. It was as if my world just started to disintegrate. I looked at her with the "What the fuck are you trying to say" look on my face. And before you know it, she confirmed my biggest fear.... that I would never be able to compete in running again. It was me giving up my dream before I could even create a map to get there. It. Hurt. But what could I do? I can't correct all three problems and think that I was going to be able to run like I used to. That wasn't feasible. At All. I started gaining weight partly because I was depressed about my running condition, partly because I could never fulfill two of my dreams, and partly because I was confused as to what to do next. This story not as depressing as you think.


WHY THE HELL AM I TELLING THIS STORY? **shakes head** C'mon baby. Keep Reading. Two years ago, I decided to take a pole dancing class. I was bored. I seen an article in a magazine about it and it's what drove me to try pole dancing. I remember doing my first class like "I can do all those moves that those strippers do". And that's where I was wrong. Pole dancing and stripping are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. In pole dancing, it took cardio training, a million different crunches, pull-ups, and endless push-ups to actually excel and be able to craft a routine. Pole dancing became exactly where I found the medium to fuse the two things that held my sanity together all these years. I had to use the leg, core, and arm strength that I used in track to execute the different moves. Plus, I have the opportunity to use my competitive mind in small competitions. Then, I had to put a STRONG emphasis on flexibility and elegance. Moves had to look fluid as if it was easy to execute. That's where my ballet training came in. 2 years and training at 3 studios (2 in Philly, 1 in NYC) later, I found something that I can compete in despite my irreversible injuires and physically express my feelings. It infuses me with the same euphoria I had when I balanced the two activities in the past. **Insert "Swish" sound here** I'll probably be doing this in the future and trying to elevate my level of flexibility and strength. One day I may even compete in the larger more intense competitions. Don't be surprised. I told you here first.


OK, CHRIS, REALLY. WHAT IS YOUR POINT IN TELLING THIS STORY? Well, I'm glad that you asked. I got three of them. So, listen up.

1. As you have seen through the progression of my story, things happen throughout life. The very things that make us happy and complete us may be obstructed by various challenges. Obstacles that appear before us may seem unconquerable. Permanent roadblocks may show their face and prevent us from achieving our original ideas. Right when you have a plan, fate laughs at you and says *In a Diddy voice* "This. Is. The. Remix. Remix". Although we may get discouraged at first, it is our responsibility to go out and an find alternative solution. Ok. So you think the dream died. But, guess what? Its not the end of the world. Fate might remix your whole situation but, in reality, things happen for a reason. Stop focusing on why it didn't go the way you wanted to initially. I want you to focus on discovering what fate has in store for you. Maybe you don't believe in fate. Well whatever it is, believe in it. Pursue it. Pursue happiness and peace of mind. The only person who can really make you happy is yourself.

2. I've said this before. I've watched women let themselves go (weight-wise). I know its hard. Some have kids, in school, too many jobs, relationships, getting hit by the failing economy, struggling to find yourself in whatever way, etc. Just remember your body needs attention too. Re-discover yourself through fitness. I know its easy to try to be the superhero. But before you save everyone else, remember to save yourself. I don't care if you stay home with those dusty Pilates tapes, P90x, Insanity, etc. Or if you want to be adventurous with Bikram Yoga, salsa, boxing, mixed martial arts, hip hop dance, zumba, or even pole dancing like me. Have some time to look good. You work hard. Why not look good while doing it?

3. Last on the agenda is something that gets on my nerves that I am guilty of doing when I first started. PLEASE DO NOT EQUATE POLE DANCING WITH STRIPPING. THEY ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. Stripping is where you drop it like its hot on a pole for money to ratchet ass songs like Travis Porter's "Bring It Back". Pole dancing has a whole pole dancing federation with rules and competitions and such. It involves more strength and yoga principles than you will ever imagine to effectively duplicate the moves. I've had the honor to train under known dancers like Karol Helms and Bunni Luv. The women that I train with on a weekly basis are ordinary women. Young women eager to try a new activity, college students, wives, mothers, women in graduate school, women who work in corporate america, nurses, and other professionals. Its really not what you think until you try it. Still don't believe me? Well, here are two videos that I have for you from YouTube (Nuh uh, don't you DARE close out this post. Watch the videos. Trust me on this. You made it this far.)

This first one is my instructor, Bunni Luv's, APFC 2011 competition submission video. It is taken in the very studio I currently train in 3-4 days a week. And I train with her about 2 out of the 4 times I'm at the studio. (If you tryna come out for a class, its Master Jay Moves/Philly Pole Premier at 1520 Samsom Street in Philadelphia, PA. Its cheap and they have classes for men and women. I've conned some people to come with me already lol)



This second one is a video that one of my old instructors told me to look up. Rhiannan Nichole. She is also in the same competition Bunni Luv will be in October. This is her APFC 2011 competition submission video.



Yep. Don't tell me "Oh I can do that". If you don't have any training, chances are, you can't. Some of ya'll can't even do a push-up correctly. BUT, I hope you got a better outlook on things. Till next time....

Ya'll Need Couth For Christmas....

Before I start this entry, I needed to add music to get into my mode. So, I figured this would be the most appropriate song by one of my favorite artists. "Fuck Me Pumps"- Amy Winehouse (play it while you're reading and trust me you will be like "Oh, now I see why she chose this")





The other night (Friday) began the first weekend of my birthday month. September. I do it big every year. Last year, I partied in 3 different cities in one weekend. The year before that I had a big extravaganza (somehow almost got arrested. Long story in itself. But the most important thing is that I don't have a criminal record, right?). But this year? I'm doing events EACH and EVERY weekend in September. Cities will be determined as I go along but, hey, people take over the whole day. I take over the whole month. BUT I digress from the whole purpose of this entry.




So going back to the other night, I seen the most ratchet-esque things in the club that made me feel old (Even though I know I'm quite far from it, thank you very much). I seen women in bra tops and skirts silently plotting on the next guy they wanted to buy them a drink, girls barely in clothes grinding on the floor at the drop of the "No Hands" beat, 20 inch weaves with glued fake eyelashes that look like black construction paper with slits in them, chicks throwing their legs in the air in dresses as they danced with guys in an inappropriate fashion, and an unendless crowd of people that looked like they chased their last tequila shot with their morals. It. Was. So. Bad. I couldn't understand this environment. What the hell was going on? I don't remember the club being like this. I didn't know whether I should leave or throw condoms out into the crowd (cuz they all look like they were one step away from a pregnancy scare). As I downed another drink, I decided to sit with my girls, observe the crowd, and just take in the comedy relief. I wish I could've wrapped the DJ up and grabbed the microphone to point out the following things.


For one, ladies please don't go out in these streets in these risque outfits. ESPECIALLY if you don't have the body for it. Why the hell are you out here in lingerie and stilettos? Do you think that this is cute? What are you trying to prove? Do your friends love you? Because they didn't love you enough to think it's ok to let you leave the house like that. An outfit that is way too tight, got your thong peaking out, titties spilling out your dress, jeans that look like they are suffocating your unkempt abdomen, and dresses that reveal your cellulite-plagued legs will only gain you disrespect from the next dude. You got mad because he grabbed your chesticle while you were dancing? Its not right and I'm not defending him but, guess what? That's the message you are sending. Your outfit is not a reflection of your inner intentions but it is the first thing guys will see when you meet them. You carry yourself like a hoe, then you will be seen as a hoe. Point. Blank. So get off that high horse of "You're not gonna disrespect me because I'm a lady" if you walked out the house in 6-inch heels with aluminum foil wrapped around your hips and pasted to your chest as an outfit. Nope. Your mic has now been silenced. Be classy. Be sexy. DRESS FOR YOUR BODY TYPE. You have your goodies all out at the club that you don't even give him enough mental room to wonder. Get your pasties OUTTA here!!!

After convincing the DJ to give me a fake birthday shoutout (I like to do that alot) I bobbed and weaved through the crowd to get back to my seat and my custom drink. I was just amazed at how some chicks were losing their minds out here. One girl was in a dress grinding in a chair by herself to some song that came on and when a guy came in to fill her lonely dance partner void, she had her legs all up in the air, dress rising up, all that. It. Was. Just. Tacky. Ladies, please have some self respect. I don't care if you are drunk. That is NEVER an excuse. Liquor releases you're inner inhibitions. So, if you were hiding from everyone that you really were a hoe, its probably going to be revealed to the general public when you are under the influence. And guess what? THERE IS NO REASON TO PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE LIKE THAT (unless that was what you were shooting for). Are you desperate? Lonely? Low self-esteem? Going through sex withdrawal or some other made up ailment? Chances are you have answered "NO" to all of the above questions. There's dancing and there is one slow grind away from trying to get pregnant in the club. Understand the difference. All that extra-ness is highly unnecessary. Most of all, have fun ladies. Carry yourself better.

As I continued to repeat to myself in the club that "I'm not about this nightlife" with my eyes closed and clicking my gold glitter stilettos together in the spirit of drunkenness and in the hopes that things would change, the third thing I wanted to point out came to me as I grazed by a conversation. LAST BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, I need you women to STOP trying to find a man in the club. There are way too many things wrong with it. Here's just the top two reasons:

1. According to various and abundant male sources, guys aren't going to the club to find a wife. They are out there to choose, be chosen, and/or have a "happy ending" by the night. Now you over there can front and say, "I'm looking for a friend". Oh really? Think deeper into your motive and it will boil down to exactly the same thing "to choose, be chosen, or "get lucky". Stop complaining you can't find a decent man if the club is the only place you look, sweetie. I simply cannot trust the validity of your statement.

2. (Now this is my opinion) I see the club as a "hostile" environment. People are in rare form. You got dudes in suits, button-downs, expensive colognes, VIP, fresh cut. You have the ladies in perfectly crafted makeup schemes, stilettos, revealing dresses, fresh weaves and/or hairstyles. Everyone is a walking facade. Yes. Everyone. Because 9 times out of 10 you DO NOT look like that at 10a on a Tuesday morning at work. Save the smoke and mirrors. **screams into crowd** "YOU'RE NOT REAAALLLLL!!!"

When I got home that night, I felt like I needed to retire partying altogether. This is not what I remember. At. All. I used to come to the club to celebrate. To create laughs that will make me smile years from now. And dance, even if its by myself, in an environment other than my house (don't front like you didn't catch yourself in the house dancing at any point in time of your life. I KNOW YOU WERE IN THAT MIRROR TOO!). And what did I see throughout the night? Drunken struggle. Everywhere. We need to do better ya'll. I'm serious.

Intermission

I like this song. Maybe its the instrumental that draws me in. Whatever. Listen to it ----> HERE "Secrets"- One Republic

Well, you ever wonder what kind of motions the other sex goes through in a breakup? Well, here it is. wait. Let me give you a situation we can all relate to at one point in time. Girl loves boy. Boy loves girl. They have a happy relationship. Boy starts getting scared of commitment (in some sort of way). So, boy breaks up with girl. How do each of them handle the breakup? Well here it is in 5 stages based on what ive seen:

<--- Stage 1: He's chillin. He felt like he made a sound and clear decision. He's quite satisfied. Its all about his happiness at this point.



Stage 1: She's confused, crying, and trying to figure out "Where did we go wrong?" I guaruntee this is probably her right now trying to contact him--->



<------Stage 2: He's out and about at the parties, living life. He's not focusing on the issue. Matter of fact, its not even an issue. He's channeling his energy elsewhere.


Stage 2: She's still thinking about the situation. It still makes no sense. This is the "I'm slightly depressed" stage ------->

<----Stage 3: The party life is slowing down. Reality sets in. He starts thinking about his previous actions. Maybe that wasn't a good idea.

Stage 3: She's pretty much over it. By this time, she has vented to her friends and she's accepting of what happened. She's ready to move on. She's over it at this point ----->





<---Stage 4: He's thinking about the situation. Maybe I do want to be with her.

Stage 4: She's moved on. Out at parties living life trying to find a replacement for you. ---->





<---Stage 5: Your calling her, texting, emailing but she's not in the least bit interested. Your decision to re-commit is too late.



Stage 5: She's not interested in you anymore. You see the new guy she's with? That's not you---->




And THAT Ladies and Gentlemen concludes this halftime show! Stay tuned for the 3rd and 4th quarter.