Connotations of Words

Before I start this entry I have to say... Excuse my hiatus. It's been an interesting couple of weeks. For once, I'm going to do this without a music accompaniment. So, keep reading.

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Everyday I think about that one moment we could connect. Its not that we don't, I just don't do it often enough. To be honest, I know I'm not the best lover in the world, but I know that I give it everything that I have. It's everything that I can offer....

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I fell in love with words....

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In the shadows of my midnight asylum, I found myself in the very essence that constituted a judgment-free zone. Words provided me wiuth a refuge against a world that never seemed to understand the inner-workings of my mental playground. What the hell do "they" know anyway? Its just me and you. Always recess. Anywhere. Everywhere. Letting the verbs run the meandering patterns of the internal jungle gym contained in my cranium. Allowing my adjectives grace the slides and take me to the highs and lows of my diction. Watching the nouns and possessive pronouns argue over who should dominate the swings of emotions I hold inside. But, I don't want it to end. Let's just hope the bell to the school of thought doesn't ring and end this temporary freedom that we have. Eventually it will, though. Till then, I'm having too much fun.

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You are the only one I know who would be interested in my daily happenings. Uninterrupted listening. Something that cannot be duplicated. I don't think that I could ask for more. Let's be serious... even when I'm caught up in the agenda life has for me or being a hypothetical offering to the god of the paycheck, I swear no one could fathom the things that flow through my mind but you. You put my thoughts into readable form. They convey emotions, images, and sensations that run the gamut. It's like a track race... or, something like that. They can go from arresting your heart in the deepest of my thoughts to making you sit up straight and cross your legs in your swivel chair at work. Let it captivate you when you least expect it. Let it create conundrums and questions in your head that never existed before. It'll draw your soul in with vernacular that subconsciously kidnaps your attention and assimliates you into my thought process at that exact moment. It's like seeing my thoughts in HD. Baby, I'm so (adjective) I (verb) (noun)... lol...

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But I know that anytime I needed to creep behind the realities that were put forth in front of me, I would lose myself to moments of solitude where silence was the only companion in my presence to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. How ironic. I close my eyes slowly and caressed the consonants while slipping into the passion of the vowels. Slowly, we strategically construct eloquent sentences laced with articulate connotations and neo-colloquialisms creating something similar to Boyz II Men unplugged harmonies. Mmhmm, yea. Like that. Every so often, I would get caught in the abyss of punctuation and pauses. But I mean, what can I say? I'm making a conscious attempt to go back and recollect that perfect intonation from the previous moment. It catches me in mid-thought like, "Damn, that was actually good". I surprise my damn self from time to time. Our words become sentences. Our sentences become paragraphs. Our paragraphs become pages. Pages that have yet to be explored... Chapters that have yet to come... I'm so interested what we have in store next....

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I exhale deeply... I grip my pearls... Smile slowly in satisfaction... I think I'm done writing... This is always beyond gratifying... Till next time, recognize how hard I fell in love with words....

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Wavelengths of the Abstract Concept...

Random opening tidbit about me: When I was younger, my grandmother would preach to me and tell me that the key to life was happiness. I honestly agreed. I went to school and they asked each one of us what we wanted to be when we grew up. I said "happy". They said I "didn't understand the assignment". I glared back and said that "they didn't understand life".

Anyways, anyone who knows me well can tell you that I am a thinker. And for no apparent reason, I have been contemplating this for a while now: "What is this thing called love?" Now before you even exit out of this site, relax... Read it through before you think that its another one of my blog posts that I rant on about how things are going awry... (insert ghetto girl voice here) 'cuz it ain't like that this time around lol.. While you are at it, throw this track on to kind of set the tone for what you're about to read: "Speechless"- Alicia Keys ft. Eve (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Re0SRdBs4v4) Scroll down and act like you want to read.. lol..

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Personally, I believe that love itself is a confusing and abstract concept. It is something that we cannot physically touch, see, hear, smell, or physically feel. HOWEVER, its effects are beyond measure. We conjure up this weird, warm fuzzy feeling out of nowhere and it can result in heartbreak, depression, unmatched happiness, memories, etc. But, some people are scared to fall in love. Scared of the unknown and abstract? I think that is quite preposterous. But, if you analyze it further it is quite interesting why people are scared... Keep up because I am about to drop some knowledge on you that is a mix of my own observations and my grandmothers famous words. I promise it will be interesting....

Nowadays, people are just straight up scared to fall in love. Why? Once upon a time men were regarded as heroes, conquerors, and providers. Somehow and somewhere down the line that all changed. Women became their own heroes, their own conquerors, and their own providers. It was as if we didn't need to be protected anymore because we felt that we could handle it. We felt as though we were dependent on ourselves (in most cases, that is true based upon own own upbringing). Then, it just evolved into being scared of being dependent on an emotion, let alone another person. Women started to date without even having the intention of dating and left broken hearts in their path. Men stopped caring as much, started getting lazy when it came to impressing women, and just opted for the "easy" females. Chivalry was dying, pride started dominating the scene, and THAT's where it all ended. (In the words of my girl Sarle') You have a bunch of single people who are scared to fall in love because they are too fearful to lose enough of their control to find it. So, in actuality, who are the cowards now? WHO is REALLY losing out? <-- You see what I did there? lol

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Pressing on, Love works in a variety of stages. In order to achieve a good relationship, it is necessary for people to deal with their own issues on life, love, past, etc. before they even think of adding another person to that melting pot. Trust me, insecurities kill a lot of potentially good relationships. I've seen it happen... Many a time.. If you don't deal with your issues you end up carrying unnecessary baggage on a flight that you thought you were ready for and, before you know it, there will be an unscheduled landing before you get to the destination you planned to reach (Once again I say, you see what I did there? Analogies baby, its all about analogies). Once you have successfully did a spin move around that step, you are not quite ready for a relationship. You gotta think about what it is that you are looking for. What do YOU want out of a relationship? Is a relationship for you at this point? Do you have a type that you are looking for? You have to define the parameters you are looking to fill but BE REALISTIC. FOR EXAMPLE: Ladies, DO NOT run around talking about you want a man who makes 6 figures when, in reality, you know DAMN WELL you don't make anything near 6 figures. Guys, stop choosing a female based upon what she wears. Because my grandmother said, "If you choose a woman by what she wears, you will be doing laundry for a lifetime" (Chill, that's the Asian knowledge...lol)

Mentality plays a HUGE factor in relationships. I think love between two people works in wavelengths. People grow in stages. For example, one person can't be ready to be in a committed relationship with someone who isn't done running the streets and dating. You CANNOT just tie someone down and think they will agree to those stipulations. People progress through wavelengths of maturity. You have the "I just started dating stage" where a person is not so clear about what they want or even if they want a relationship. There's the "I'm having too much fun dating and running wild stage" where they MAY want a relationship but they are too content in the trial-error with different people process, going out constantly, and living life without the strings attached. Their famous motto is "option is a beautiful thing". Next is the "I'm ready for a relationship stage" where they are done with running around with different people and they are ready to try out the monogamous and committed relationship. Last is the "I'm ready to be with you forever forreal stage". This is the end-all, be-all, lets be in this together 100%, I'm with you through whatever, I won't turn back from here stage. Some people don't get to that last one, but then again they probably haven't dealt with their own internal issues or defined what it is that they are looking for... The point of me stating those stages is that IN ORDER to have a successful relationship you need to identify what stage you are at and make sure the other person is on the same page. If not, it will be a clear conflict of interest and it will show in time.

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Me? I know my type and what level I am on. It is just a matter of whether the other person is on my wavelength. Simply put, I want someone who knows all my mistakes, flaws, and weaknesses and STILL thinks I'm completely amazing. But, hey, there's no rush. Everything has its time and place. Things happen for a reason. I'm not saying wake up tomorrow, go out, and search for love. All I am saying is be open to it, find the wavelength you are on, and when opportunity comes along don't pass it up. Because you might regret it. Don't let that imaginary person in your head prevent you from loving the real one right in front of you. And oh yea, ALWAYS remember that it isn't that love hurts.... its when people abuse it. So, stop being so damn scared... Love and love with a passion.

Brooklyn Bridge Colloquialisms...

Thoughts semmed to be clouding my mind more than usual lately. Incessantly, I wake up doing the same things to make time pass: workout, apply for jobs, check email, read, and conjure something to do. Stress over thinking about where I want to be in life in relation to having an opportunity to get there has been building over the last few weeks. And as my mind effortlessly progressed on the incline towards insanity my fingers trembled as I helplessly tried to peer at the very playlist that never let me down. I found one song that never failed in liberating my thoughts..... "Hometown Glory" by Adele (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BW9Fzwuf43c)

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Somehow on a Monday, dead in the middle of January, at 9p, here I was... on the Brooklyn Bridge searching for mental clarity. It was not uncommon that I ended up somewhere random to think when pressure built up. Anyways, there were so many things I needed to address mentally. It was my fault because I did exactly what I was instructed NOT to do: I let everything build up until I just broke down... I made the trek to the most medial pillar of the bridge, leaned against it, and faced the structures that composed the New York City skyline... AS I slid towards the ground to sit, so did my tears... I let the stress get the best of me... Dammit...

I sat there for what seemed an unending hour in my jacket that was probably not fit for this type of winter weather and plastered my inner mental compositions across the sky. They were mostly the stresses of this unending job search. I got to a point where I was convinced that companies would put up jobs as a sick fucking joke. Countless applications were filled and I got NO callbacks whatsoever. I just stared at the lights and traced the NYC skyline with my eyes to ease my mind. It was as if I tried to write my thoughts across the sky, but no one else could read it. They just remained... illiterate. It was like that conversation I had with this girl who wanted to be my mentee. I usually like to delve deeper into the crevices of ones inner thoughts for stimulating conversation. With her, I tried to analyze her mental direction.... or rather if she had any to begin with. It came to points in the conversation where I would say "come walk in my shoes for a day"... She replies "the new Gucci ones right?"... I said "I dream of 401Ks and greatness"... and she says "Isn't that a new Kanye song?"... I just couldn't take it. I had to immediately remove myself from the conversation. All she was good for was defeating the purpose. I couldn't even fathom the level of intelligence she possessed. She was one of those girls with the perfect body shape and cute face. And what troubles me the most is that guys really go for this type of girl: all physical, no mental. I gotta go... If this is the case I need to erase myself from the dating scene before I even start. I might lose brain cells in the process.

Then, my mind shifted swiftly to the next topic... recovering from the effects of my recent relationship. That is its own issue in itself. It perplexes me how something can affect you physically if you aren't totally over it mentally. I'm just going to leave it at that. It took those convos with Tiff and Ms. She to keep me grounded for the last couple of weeks. I did learn 2 important lessons though. 1) When it comes to choosing between your relationship and your career, CHOOSE YOUR CAREER. This was the second time I made this mistake and I ended up losing.... more than what I imagined.... 2) This is a lesson I believe in the most and I think others should perpetuate this... "Love is liberating... Love means my 'I love you's' are the same even if you were in China or if you were next door. Distance doesn't make me think different. Time is never an issue. Love is when I can willingly encourage you to go explore your dreams even if it means you leaving me behind". I guess every relationship is meant to teach you something new.

The last root of stress originated from the construction of this graduation speech. I remember staring at the application and it said to fill out the application, submit a transcript, 2 letters of reference, and my speech. I think the speech was my breaking point. I have so many thoughts and feelings I want to convey in this one piece, the last address I will ever make to the University and I couldn't even start it. How could I take 5 1/2 years of struggle, stress, and gutter rainbows and lace it with inspiration to convince the higher ups that this one speech should be chosen? My mind is as complex as the mathematics that embellishes calculus problems and it just kept running with so many thoughts. They floated from all the talks me and Vu had about surviving and succeeding in this world during my freshman year to my period of depression to my classmate's, Gina, death last year to the moment I finished my last final exam of my college career. As I played verbal roulette, I frantically searched for the words that encompassed every blog post I ever made, every situation a student could ever go through, and every inspirational phrase I could think of.... And the first line of my speech goes like this.... "Whoever told you that you weren't good enough lied to you"..... Currently, Im still refining the memories and scanning the proper intonations to weave this speech.... As I reached a plateau of clarity a runner ran past me and broke me out of the abyss I created an hour before... I deeply exhaled and hopped on the train to make my journey back home... I got what I needed to finish what I started....

Awakening: The Dying Legend of Claire Huxtable...

I know what you're thinking... I haven't written a blog post in weeks... Its been my fault because I have been allowing my priorities to slip. I have been fervently networking with people, organizations, and companies for a job. I am waiting for the right offer regardless of geographical location. Its time for me to jumpstart my career. I can't just take ANY job, though. I am quite conceited when it comes to my resume. You go and find a college graduate that has had more than 12 jobs in college, speaks 7 languages, and had a full-time schedule. Yea, I think I deserve better. I'm out to CRUSH THE COMPETITION. But, thats not what I came to blog about today. Let's set the mood like we always do. ***Looks through playlist*** "No...No... No... Yes!!! Got it..." NOW PLAYING--> "Fly"- Nicki Minaj ft. Rihanna http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaVtC5A5frA
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This is directed towards women, but men feel free to relay this message to your homegirls.. NO SERIOUSLY....
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In relation to my job "choosing" one thing that I have noticed in the last few weeks of being back in NYC is the disappointment that I have developed towards females. Its not that I hate my own kind or something, but rather I see many females... settling... and its killing me... Some of my childhood friends, and some of you can relate, think having a baby is the career move to make these days without thinking about the consequences. It is not to say there aren't women who don't handle their busines with a child, but if you think having a child is the ONLY option for your future, then theres something wrong. Then, there are the girls that can't think of a better life beyond basic jobs, like stripping. Yea, the money is good, but are you using it to go to school? O_o THEN, there are the girls that think their cute faces and perfect body proportions will land them a career in being a video vixen. So, you want a career as that pretty girl in the back dancing on a rapper? WHAT IS HAPPENING THESE DAYS??? I cannot sincerely understand the source of this epidemic.
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Ok... Let's take a step back... For those of you that can remember think back to those days when the only phones we were talking on had cords attached to them in the kitchen and the only clubs we were sippin at were the "Boys & Girls Club" sippin YooHoo's. Now, remember watching the show "The Cosby's"? Now think to Claire Huxtable. She was one of the few images that women had to look up to in the media. She was educated with a Ph.D., responsible, amazing, accomplished, poised, and had goals. She was the epitome of what women should emulate. I'm not saying every woman should be like Claire, but where have we gone wrong? Have we allowed ourselves to fall victim to low standards, butt pads, and risque' pictures? Have we allowed ourselves to be, dare I say... Basic??? I think so.. Have we let the inner Claire Huxtable within us die slowly so we can make mental room to be the next housewife, Bad Girls Club member, ex-basketball/football wife, 16 & Pregnant focus, or Maury show guest? C'mon ladies....
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What happened to having a career, being a CEO, coming up with new innovative ideas, getting an education, thinking outside the box, or having a presence in the room without looking risque'? We have let physical attributes to overtake our mental qualities that it seems to marr the very caricature that women should possess. Now for you girls who think that your beauty will snatch you the ideal husband, you are stupid. A pretty face is temporary. Good men seek women who are intelligent, confident, can hold their own and won't ""mooch" off their empire. These are a few pillar qualities across the board they require. Why don't you pick yourself up and start your own empire? Stop being lazy. Take control of what the media thinks, don't let it control you.
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As a closing, I need everyone to take a stand on reality. Ask yourself or your homegirl are you putting the blueprint to your future into action? Are you allowing perfect body measurements to compete with your diploma? Are you a person who is temporarily standing out in the crowd or are you a Brander? Branders are people who create influential changes. Their name alone speaks of their accomplishments... Like Claire Huxtable... I don't know about you but I want to chase the sun, surpass the stars, and explore my dreams while my stilettos scrape the sky. I strive to be a brander. I'm out to build my empire. So when people hear my name in the future they'll say "Yea, she was not only amazing, but she was an icon to those around her". So ladies, STOP BEING BASIC. Travel the world. Construct your 5-year plan. Start creating your legend. We all have birth and death dates, but what really matters is what happens in between them... ***Steps Off Podium***
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The Exclusives: From NYC to LAX, MIL to TYO, and PAR to MNL

I like this song because it makes me feel a lil sassy when I'm on my way anywhere: "Check It Out!" Nicki Minaj and Will.I.Am ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqky5B179nM )

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First and foremost, I am not one to be a regular fashion blogger. Its not my thing. If anything, I don't really fit into any category. I like to jump around from bargain deals and vintage to high-end fashion. It really just depends on my mood. So, I was sitting here trying to think what I really wanted for Christmas and I thumbed through some of my favorite sites for clothes, shoes, and accessories. Then I thought about it... Since I haven't gone shopping in months and my budget is strictly tailored around paying my bills, why don't I put my readers on to some sites they can use. And some of you can use it mainly for Christmas presents this year. Now, when I shop, I mainly shop online because I DO NOT have the patience to stand in line, look around, and all that. The only time I really do that is when I have an event to go to and I have no idea what I want to look like. Because when I want to dress up, I imitate a vision NOT a person. For example, if I feel like being in my punk-rocker mode, I am going all out.... That's just what I do... I treat every outfit like an opportunity to exhibit another part of my personality... Back to the topic, I'm about to put you on to a couple websites that originate from my favorite sites in USA, Japan, Italy, France, and the Philippines... I'm only giving you a taste... Can't let ya'll imitate the whole swag!!! lol (NOTE: Make sure you right-click the links to "Open them in a new tab or window").

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I am not a fan of really spending $500 on every outfit just to impress someone or to say "You ain't up on this". Because honestly, no one REALLY cares. Yea you get that first 5 seconds of "wow, she got that (insert brand here)" but at the end of the day that reaction fades and you are left with looking stupid because you attempted to ruin your credit yet again on another outfit WHILE poppin bottles in VIP. Meanwhile, you barely have groceries in your house (Oh yea, SHOTS FIRED AK-47 style). Ask yourself, is that REALLY necessary? So I'm going to give you websites that run the gamut from low-high priced. You gauge how you want to spend your money.

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I am a proud fan of H&M and Nordstrom Rack http://shop.nordstrom.com/c/nordstrom-rack . The reason for this is that they really have items that you can utilize to imitate high fashion for a reasonable price. PLEASE don't sleep on Nordstrom rack because they really have some good stuff but people fail to realize its not as much as you think. And catch them especially on Cyber Monday (Monday after Thanksgiving), Christmas, and New Years'.... It... Gets... Poppin...

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The next one is for my ladies: corsets. You may be feeling a little Rihanna-ish in the "whips and chains" mode (rolls eyes to her even mentioning that after the Chris Brown incident). But, here you can add a cute leather corset to your outfit to make it a little edgy from Zahira's Boudoir http://www.zahirasboudoir.com/

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My personal favorite in fashion is the Harajuku-style from Japan. For those of you that may not be familiar with Harajuku, it is a style of dress that involves a lot of bright colors, dramatic outfits, out of the norm hairstyles, punk, couture, and mixing and matching different fashions. Its a constantly changing street style. That's one of the reasons why some of the people who know me call me Harajuku **wink** But if you want to try it out, you can start with these Sassy 'N' Punk handbags http://www.sassynpunkboutique.com/products/bags or these amazing never duplicated rings from SouZou Creations http://www.etsy.com/shop/SouZouCreations ... Try and find someone who has THESE in their jewelry box.
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I love this site because they carry amazing must-have vintage accessories for less whether it be Jane Austin Cuff bracelets to veils that you can put on top of your head to add a little drama and couture to your outfit... Go to Etsy.Com http://www.etsy.com/

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This is something you can get your brother, guy friends, or boyfriend. Straight from Tokyo, you can get an exclusive watch for less from Tokyo Flash. They take Binary watches and digital time to a COMPLETELY new level. And the best part is they have some that are less than $100. Help him stunt on them in 2011 with one of these. http://www.tokyoflash.com/

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For those of you men and women that have that paycheck saved up from the whole year and are craving for that high-end fashion I have a couple of sites just for you. From the UK, we have the Doll Boutique http://www.dollboutique.co.uk/ which features some of my favorite brands like "American Retro" and "Stolen Girlfriends Club". If you want to go more local (as in boutiques in the US check these out: "I Don't Like Mondays" http://www.idontlikemondays.us/ or "Pixie Market" http://www.pixiemarket.com/

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If you want to get the inside deal on what cologne every man NEEDS to have, my pick of the season is Yves St. Laurent La Nuit De L'Homme. Now this cologne is to die for!!! Intense, bold, and sensual, this cologne is constructed with bergamot, cardamom, and cedar counteracted by notes of lavender and vetiver. As the perfect evening cologne, this is GARUNTEED to keep the girls off him. I mean, it comes in a black box.... That itself, already speaks volumes....

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For those of you interested in a taste of Philippine female fashion you can take a quick look at one of my favorite stores when I'm back home: Ukay Manila http://ukaymanila.com/ . It gives you all the clothing pieces she needs to pull off that girly-girl look

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For those of you visiting the Couples' Capital of Paris, France anytime soon here is a place you and your significant other can for deals on designers like Bottega Venetta and Balenciaga. I suggest you visit Reciproque http://www.reciproque.fr/en/ and Catherine Max http://www.espacemax.com/showroom.php This is where sites like Ebay are manifested into an actual store... You can find yourself that extra Hermes scarf or that pair of Jimmy Choos that you thought was sold out... Oh yes, vintage and bargain shopping are universal across cultures.... Don't get it twisted... Sadly, these 2 are only limited to in-store shopping but if you want to get an idea of what these stores look like click away!!!!

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THE LAST BUT NOT LEAST is an upcoming designer specializing in women's fashion. Her name is Tiffany Renee. She does it all: dresses, gowns, shirts, etc. She tailors to YOUR measurements. She can style you and make you look like the next celebrity. Her name grazes fashion circles and her expertise is transferred by word-of-mouth. But now, you get an online inside look on her latest and what could be the next addition to your (or your female friends') closet. For pricing and any inquiries contact her directly at DesignerTiffanyRenee@yahoo.com Check her (yes, she is modeling her OWN designs) out below:

That Caught Me In A Daydream/ Filled With Subliminals

There I was looking at the wall... The indentations in the wall started to blend together... and there I was... Thinking... My body relaxed and I reclined a lil more in my chair. And as my mind switch into its poetic state, it scrambled through my mental ipod to find the right track that became my medium to expose my innermost thoughts. Track 33? Perfect. This set the mood for me to float back into its own enigma that could neither be explained nor comprehended. Feel what I am talking about: (Fantasize- Floetry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdUdx31e_74 )
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I couldn't get you out of my head and this was not one of those moments that young girls have when they are superficially infatuated and physically attracted... Nope, Its deeper than that. Its a crazy feeling and my attraction for you stems from mental stimulation thats intellectually orgasmic... *closes eyes* How is it that you don't have to physically be in my presence to influence me to have you in the crevices of my thoughts? Its interesting I say... Now, that right there is quite impressive. I applaud the effort that was never directly put forth... Proceeding on...
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Maybe I just can't get out of my head our conversations from the past and present... In my past life I was so used to manipulating the men with no aspirations beyond things like what their next purchase was going to be branded with the most popular insignia out or the "newest thing that no one has yet" *rolls eyes* I couldn't stand them so they were treated as I saw fit. They were just trying to be mere copies of Kanye West, Drake, or someone famous like that instead of being examples of what other men should mimic... They don't get it and probably never will... But you? You have plans. You have ambitions. And everytime you tell me/write to me about them I could do nothing but feel your passion in what you have in store for your future and listen intently on how amazing you are... Its not that I simply admire the person that you are destined to become, but rather I'm elated at the person you have evolved to be. The man that catches my eye is the one in progress, not the one that has reached the top of the mountain. It is only him that can appreciate the woman admiring him. I learned from a wise woman that if he's a good man, he will realize she not only wants to help him grow but also grow with him despite time or distance. In addition to this, I live by the belief that the men that become great think outside their mental zipcode. And you? You think beyond that arena to the point I might need a mental passport to make sure we are on the same plane. I mean, I'm not calling you crazy *laughs* I'm just saying your level of thinking is not what I'm used to. It just amazes me that its physically possible that someone understands my thoughts... Its... new... And then I think about how we are in two different places executing two different blueprints but somehow stay parallel on the same escalator to success... I fell even deeper in thought...
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Its funny that we can have a great conversation for hours and put it on pause for hours/months/days/years and press play as if no time passed. Zip codes change, time zones can be altered, the numbers on the clocks can hastily pass before my eyes but its as though things just never change. Because I can know people for years and still not have that effect. It baffles me. Your the type to ask me how my day was, wonder what I'm thinking, hear my stresses and never hear me, but you listen... and remind me of how great I am and give me words of wisdom to bring me back to a plateau of balance. But know this... I have given you all the keys to unlock the many levels of internal secrets that I keep... But I haven't presented you with all the doors to utilize those keys... Thats just my internal defense mechanism... Its a gradual process... I guess I'm afraid that if I give you too much that I make myself too vulnerable... Being from a dynasty of strong women its hard to willingly expose all the cards you have in your hand in one shot if you are unsure that you are going to win... Its like when someone has a dream that they are standing naked in front of every person they have ever known... Its... scary... You can read me... You know when I'm lying and when there's something wrong or when I have something I really wanna say but I hesitate.. It makes me... Nervous... I'm accustomed to continually creating walls to make sure that doesn't happen but you see through them like a glass door... It... makes me wonder... But in the meantime, I can't just let you see my every thought.. Not quite yet but in due time... Just... trust me...
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Please don't think that my admiration for you is interpreted as love, but rather I have love for you... Very different... Its just that... Your mystery keeps my mind going like a run-on sentence and I can't help it because its not only that you are everything that I can imagine for a potential but a best friend. Mentally, I'm free from all possible judgement that may exist.. That's how I like it... I get to be ME... You see me the same way I see you... Even though you don't say it, my intuition confirms it. We all know that a woman's intuition tells no tales... I can travel the world ten times over, speak a new language, physically change but I can never change in your eyes... If anything, you notice all my positive traits even more and appreciate the person behind the facade... Deep down inside I KNOW that if, in fact, something ever happened between us, you move on, or things just go awry that you won't just disown me or forget about me... I will still have a best friend I can confide in. That, right there, means more to me than anything in this world... And although our lives travel on different paths intution gives me that feeling that our destinies will intersect like a parallelogram... I mean, it has proven once before so I don't doubt it... All I can do is just... Wait...
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And as I come down from my high of deep thought of inner feelings mixed with a medley of poetry those same indentations in the wall start making sense again and the professor is staring at me asking "So what do you think, Christina?" I was aware that I was caught in my own oblivion so I just quickly freestyle an answer that sounds like it was relevant to the topic of conversation. Eh, it kinda worked. So, as I evaded that situation of possibly looking stupid with an answer that PROBABLY didn't make sense, I smiled contently. Gosh, I need to pay more attention in class and stop daydreamin'.... That's what deep thought does to me sometimes...
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My mental playlist kept going and shuffled to something that made me smile even more...
(The Ambitious girl- Wale http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Go_NpsHLatY ) ***exhales deeply***

Inner Convo of Temporary Insanity

Days get shorter... Weather gets a bit cooler... Schedule gets a lil tighter... And im here damn near pulling my hair out with tears in my eyes because school is in session and I'm getting stressed... I think thats the side of me people don't see. They see the girl who is always on the comeup and prepared.... But, in reality, I'm the one having a mental breakdown because, as usual, I have filled my schedule to the brim and I'm getting overwhelmed unsure if I can fulfill all my appointments, my meetings, whatever is scheduled on my agenda that day... And here I am, at 11:15p, chillen in my clothes from work, both IDs still around my neck (one from work and one from my internship), having a staring contest with my textbook, laying on my bad, trying to figure out why my week is going downhill and calculating how broke I'm gonna be on my birthday, all the while reciting word-for-word one of my all-time favorite rap songs from when I was younger: "Affirmative Action" by The Firm [NAS, Foxy Brown, AZ, Cormega] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xRmrOLFjqo) Like really, why is everything going down this course?!?!?

I woke up at 630a, went back to sleep and damn near missed my class..

(10a) Go to class and my lab partner is a jerk. I swear she just kept talking about herself like it was an effin reality show. Like really? I would rather watch a Bad Girls Club marathon filled with ignorance and no aspirations than hear you speak. Like, I don't care. Don't you major in running or something? Cuz, I know it can't be anything that requires too much thought process. (Lemme continue with my rant before I attempt to go on how much I hate this uneducated chick cuz she almost got formaldehyde thrown on her while we were dissecting. Please don't test me because if I go in the bathroom and switch up into my all-black I may summon the asian!!!)

(1130a) Putting the agenda back into perspective, I go to internship downtown and the people were great but everyone seemed aggravated in some sort of way. I was too. It was just everyone exuded some type of inner stress. I know I was. Downhill we went.

(3p) Back in class. The professor (that I happened to call Captain Crazy) went about her smart, sarcastic ways trying to convince everyone that her opinions were right as usual almost made me jump out my seat at her "Mean Girls" style everytime she got smart with one of my answers. Miss, don't test me. I probably do more in my free time than you do in your career as academia. I can't with you... no, not today.

(5p) At work, get my 2 weeks notice of "Yes, you're getting laid off because of budget cuts but the good thing is you are eligible for employment". Thanks. I roll my eyes and go back to my desk because as far I knew my term was good till the 30th, HOWEVER, you felt it was quite necessary to sever me a week early. Some of my coworkers were like "Oh, Christina, its only a week!" umm listen... Its only "a week" to you if you have another source of income. This, right here, IS my ONLY source of income... My source of living... The reason why I'm able to prance around like the world is great and brag about bills getting paid. One week = One less paycheck = money loss I need to make up or stretch to cover October bills = A reason why I may be broke on my damn birthday to sacrifice for my financial freedom plan. Please, save me my soapbox moment because if I have it at work I might get fired THAT DAY.

(1030p) Home. Debating. Strategizing. Making things work when it may seem impossible. Trying to remain cool in a world that will burn you up the moment you fall in the fire if you can't handle the heat. Am I gonna let it? No. I know inside I'm stronger than that. But now, at this moment, Im just all over the place... Just let me marinate in my misery for a moment.. smh..