What the hell is going on? Wait. Why the fuck am I complaining? I'm good off of that ratchet snow. Its bad enough that its OD cold out here (Don't debate me). I need something to get me in that Christmas-y mood (despite its the day after Christmas. Whatever) before I start this post. Kick it Destiny's Child.
So yesterday I survived yet another split holiday with my boyfriend. Those joints can get quite difficult if not planned correctly. Like. You dead have to map out where, what time, and how long you are going to stay there to make sure you get all the necessary elements of see family, small talk and catching up, exchanging gifts, pose for family picture, and swift exit to keep all parties happy. Gives me a headache when I think about it. Uuuuggghhhhhh. Holidays get more complicated these days. But, hey, I had a great time this year. Keep reading, I'm not done writing yet dammit. I'm gonna go on about this stupid Christmas party.
So... I experienced the first Christmas party at my job. That sure as hell was a fail. I mean, the food was good but anyone reading my tweets will tell you that I was sending incessant cries for a superman to come save me from the perils of coworkers. I swear. Why do I have to make an effort to socialize with ya'll? I'm pretty content with the friends I have. Just let me save the community, get my paycheck, and be on my way. I'm not interested in seeing ya'll after work and no, I'm not giving you my personal cell phone number let alone my office extension. Just everything made me upset. I had an annoying coworker say "Hey what do you plan to do in the long run?" Then when I tried to explain it Barney-style to her she was say "That doesn't make sense". Bitch, I didn't ask for your opinion. I was tempted to say "My life goals are to make more money and not end up like you" but my professional side said "Let's not get fired quite yet. We need to stack a lil more so relax". So I walked off from her midway through her babbling on about what she wanted to do in the long run. Bitch, you're old. You're "long run" ends like tomorrow b.
I swear surviving this Christmas party was like a fucking game of Jumanji. What the hell is going on? Someone even decided to spike the eggnog (which I don't drink. What the fuck is eggnog anyway? Sounds like a new STD). How did I know? A certain someone had a bottle of vodka that was clearly just opened and now 25% full hidden under the table. Oh. Swag ya'll out, huh? Eggnog lead to the whole office playing Dirty Minds. This inappropriate game is where one person uses clues to describe an action or object. Now the catch is that the clues have sexual connotations. An example is "What fits neatly between your breasts, works best when tugged, and inserts neatly into a hole?" Now if you had a twisted mind (somewhat sort of like mine) you'd say a penis. However the REAL answer is a seat belt. Liquor plus this game? Yea. I'll be right here in the corner yo.
The last level of this never-ending chaos is when a coworker who clearly quit came back for the office party. I like to call her "Ultimate fighter" because she has this weave that seems to never be done but she tries to convince everyone that she just got it done. Nah. You're weave is tired of fighting mama. ANYWHO, Ultimate fighter came and she crashed the party with her thick ghetto accent and tacky self. Like... You quit 3 weeks ago and you didn't bring a dish. I just wanted to call security the whole time. Although she sounded below my pay grade, something in me made me feel like each moment I listened to her was community service for me. You know, giving back and what not. The funny thing is that her presence not only annoyed me, but other people yet my boss welcomed her back like we were supposed to have a parade for her or something. If I was the boss, shorty woulda had to holla merry Christmas from the office hallway. Fuck. Your. Plate. Oh and happy kwanzaa, bitch.
Now the apex of this Christmas office party (besides the ending of it) came after when a coworker of mine reenacted a tradition that I used to do. She picked a certain number of ornaments, wrote a different characteristic on each one, and had people blindly pick one ornament out of a bag. Its kinda a karma thing. Whatever characteristic you pick out is said to be the one that manifests itself the most throughout the year. Funny enough, I picked one. It was "insight". I'm not sure what the hell that means right now but I'm kinda intrigued what the year will bring me. Insight? How? To who? To what degree? I guess imma have to wait till 2012 hits. In the meantime, I have restarted that tradition. I have a strategic list of 18 people who will participate. I say strategic because I the people I have chosen are not at random. It is all for a reason. I cannot wait to see how it turns out. Sometimes the best gift you can give your friends is good karma and I think the people I have chosen deserve it in soooo many ways.
But the morals of writing this whole post? Hope for good karma in the year to come and FUCK OFFICE PARTIES. Till next time....
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