That Caught Me In A Daydream/ Filled With Subliminals

There I was looking at the wall... The indentations in the wall started to blend together... and there I was... Thinking... My body relaxed and I reclined a lil more in my chair. And as my mind switch into its poetic state, it scrambled through my mental ipod to find the right track that became my medium to expose my innermost thoughts. Track 33? Perfect. This set the mood for me to float back into its own enigma that could neither be explained nor comprehended. Feel what I am talking about: (Fantasize- Floetry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdUdx31e_74 )
*
I couldn't get you out of my head and this was not one of those moments that young girls have when they are superficially infatuated and physically attracted... Nope, Its deeper than that. Its a crazy feeling and my attraction for you stems from mental stimulation thats intellectually orgasmic... *closes eyes* How is it that you don't have to physically be in my presence to influence me to have you in the crevices of my thoughts? Its interesting I say... Now, that right there is quite impressive. I applaud the effort that was never directly put forth... Proceeding on...
*
Maybe I just can't get out of my head our conversations from the past and present... In my past life I was so used to manipulating the men with no aspirations beyond things like what their next purchase was going to be branded with the most popular insignia out or the "newest thing that no one has yet" *rolls eyes* I couldn't stand them so they were treated as I saw fit. They were just trying to be mere copies of Kanye West, Drake, or someone famous like that instead of being examples of what other men should mimic... They don't get it and probably never will... But you? You have plans. You have ambitions. And everytime you tell me/write to me about them I could do nothing but feel your passion in what you have in store for your future and listen intently on how amazing you are... Its not that I simply admire the person that you are destined to become, but rather I'm elated at the person you have evolved to be. The man that catches my eye is the one in progress, not the one that has reached the top of the mountain. It is only him that can appreciate the woman admiring him. I learned from a wise woman that if he's a good man, he will realize she not only wants to help him grow but also grow with him despite time or distance. In addition to this, I live by the belief that the men that become great think outside their mental zipcode. And you? You think beyond that arena to the point I might need a mental passport to make sure we are on the same plane. I mean, I'm not calling you crazy *laughs* I'm just saying your level of thinking is not what I'm used to. It just amazes me that its physically possible that someone understands my thoughts... Its... new... And then I think about how we are in two different places executing two different blueprints but somehow stay parallel on the same escalator to success... I fell even deeper in thought...
*
Its funny that we can have a great conversation for hours and put it on pause for hours/months/days/years and press play as if no time passed. Zip codes change, time zones can be altered, the numbers on the clocks can hastily pass before my eyes but its as though things just never change. Because I can know people for years and still not have that effect. It baffles me. Your the type to ask me how my day was, wonder what I'm thinking, hear my stresses and never hear me, but you listen... and remind me of how great I am and give me words of wisdom to bring me back to a plateau of balance. But know this... I have given you all the keys to unlock the many levels of internal secrets that I keep... But I haven't presented you with all the doors to utilize those keys... Thats just my internal defense mechanism... Its a gradual process... I guess I'm afraid that if I give you too much that I make myself too vulnerable... Being from a dynasty of strong women its hard to willingly expose all the cards you have in your hand in one shot if you are unsure that you are going to win... Its like when someone has a dream that they are standing naked in front of every person they have ever known... Its... scary... You can read me... You know when I'm lying and when there's something wrong or when I have something I really wanna say but I hesitate.. It makes me... Nervous... I'm accustomed to continually creating walls to make sure that doesn't happen but you see through them like a glass door... It... makes me wonder... But in the meantime, I can't just let you see my every thought.. Not quite yet but in due time... Just... trust me...
*
Please don't think that my admiration for you is interpreted as love, but rather I have love for you... Very different... Its just that... Your mystery keeps my mind going like a run-on sentence and I can't help it because its not only that you are everything that I can imagine for a potential but a best friend. Mentally, I'm free from all possible judgement that may exist.. That's how I like it... I get to be ME... You see me the same way I see you... Even though you don't say it, my intuition confirms it. We all know that a woman's intuition tells no tales... I can travel the world ten times over, speak a new language, physically change but I can never change in your eyes... If anything, you notice all my positive traits even more and appreciate the person behind the facade... Deep down inside I KNOW that if, in fact, something ever happened between us, you move on, or things just go awry that you won't just disown me or forget about me... I will still have a best friend I can confide in. That, right there, means more to me than anything in this world... And although our lives travel on different paths intution gives me that feeling that our destinies will intersect like a parallelogram... I mean, it has proven once before so I don't doubt it... All I can do is just... Wait...
*
And as I come down from my high of deep thought of inner feelings mixed with a medley of poetry those same indentations in the wall start making sense again and the professor is staring at me asking "So what do you think, Christina?" I was aware that I was caught in my own oblivion so I just quickly freestyle an answer that sounds like it was relevant to the topic of conversation. Eh, it kinda worked. So, as I evaded that situation of possibly looking stupid with an answer that PROBABLY didn't make sense, I smiled contently. Gosh, I need to pay more attention in class and stop daydreamin'.... That's what deep thought does to me sometimes...
*
My mental playlist kept going and shuffled to something that made me smile even more...
(The Ambitious girl- Wale http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Go_NpsHLatY ) ***exhales deeply***

Inner Convo of Temporary Insanity

Days get shorter... Weather gets a bit cooler... Schedule gets a lil tighter... And im here damn near pulling my hair out with tears in my eyes because school is in session and I'm getting stressed... I think thats the side of me people don't see. They see the girl who is always on the comeup and prepared.... But, in reality, I'm the one having a mental breakdown because, as usual, I have filled my schedule to the brim and I'm getting overwhelmed unsure if I can fulfill all my appointments, my meetings, whatever is scheduled on my agenda that day... And here I am, at 11:15p, chillen in my clothes from work, both IDs still around my neck (one from work and one from my internship), having a staring contest with my textbook, laying on my bad, trying to figure out why my week is going downhill and calculating how broke I'm gonna be on my birthday, all the while reciting word-for-word one of my all-time favorite rap songs from when I was younger: "Affirmative Action" by The Firm [NAS, Foxy Brown, AZ, Cormega] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xRmrOLFjqo) Like really, why is everything going down this course?!?!?

I woke up at 630a, went back to sleep and damn near missed my class..

(10a) Go to class and my lab partner is a jerk. I swear she just kept talking about herself like it was an effin reality show. Like really? I would rather watch a Bad Girls Club marathon filled with ignorance and no aspirations than hear you speak. Like, I don't care. Don't you major in running or something? Cuz, I know it can't be anything that requires too much thought process. (Lemme continue with my rant before I attempt to go on how much I hate this uneducated chick cuz she almost got formaldehyde thrown on her while we were dissecting. Please don't test me because if I go in the bathroom and switch up into my all-black I may summon the asian!!!)

(1130a) Putting the agenda back into perspective, I go to internship downtown and the people were great but everyone seemed aggravated in some sort of way. I was too. It was just everyone exuded some type of inner stress. I know I was. Downhill we went.

(3p) Back in class. The professor (that I happened to call Captain Crazy) went about her smart, sarcastic ways trying to convince everyone that her opinions were right as usual almost made me jump out my seat at her "Mean Girls" style everytime she got smart with one of my answers. Miss, don't test me. I probably do more in my free time than you do in your career as academia. I can't with you... no, not today.

(5p) At work, get my 2 weeks notice of "Yes, you're getting laid off because of budget cuts but the good thing is you are eligible for employment". Thanks. I roll my eyes and go back to my desk because as far I knew my term was good till the 30th, HOWEVER, you felt it was quite necessary to sever me a week early. Some of my coworkers were like "Oh, Christina, its only a week!" umm listen... Its only "a week" to you if you have another source of income. This, right here, IS my ONLY source of income... My source of living... The reason why I'm able to prance around like the world is great and brag about bills getting paid. One week = One less paycheck = money loss I need to make up or stretch to cover October bills = A reason why I may be broke on my damn birthday to sacrifice for my financial freedom plan. Please, save me my soapbox moment because if I have it at work I might get fired THAT DAY.

(1030p) Home. Debating. Strategizing. Making things work when it may seem impossible. Trying to remain cool in a world that will burn you up the moment you fall in the fire if you can't handle the heat. Am I gonna let it? No. I know inside I'm stronger than that. But now, at this moment, Im just all over the place... Just let me marinate in my misery for a moment.. smh..