I don't have anything specific to say... Just alot of random things in the back of my mind...
I secretly still want to do a post-baccalaureate program and go to medical school ---- I've literally made my way through the last 3 years of college by my paycheck and pure persuasion --- I turned down an internship with the FBI in New York City 2 years ago... I regret that --- I don't think I would ever date a celebrity or an athlete --- If energy drinks weren't made, I wouldn't have made it through college --- One of my dreams is to compete in a national track event, like Penn Relays, in the 800m representing my country, the Philippines --- Highly promiscuous women are getting "wifed up" by substantially good men and I have no idea why --- I believe that 90% of guys will mess up a relationship with a good woman for a woman who is sub-par... scientifically proven --- I get bored in relationships easily... some say its my downfall.. I say its either because my lifestyle was too fast for them or they couldn't keep up.. oh well... things happen for a reason --- Nothing drives me over the edge more than a guy who can't keep his word.. my time is precious and not to be wasted, so I would rather not deal with misconceptions and lies --- A lot of people think my personality is schizo.. I'm starting to consider the possibility that it may be true, minus the delusions lol --- I HOPE global warming keeps messing up the winter... I hate cold --- I often have evil thoughts when someone uses bad grammar, crosses in front of me while I'm walking, and certain times when I'm deep in thought --- The only thing I'm looking forward to right now in my life is GOING to the army --- I'm always 2 seconds away from pulling a trigger when someone ignorantly says, "Oh, you're going to the army because your man is in the military, right?" NO! Whether he was with me or not I was planning on leaving... I don't let men dictate my movement (but if they're important enough I may factor them into my plans) ---I have 3 basic types that I date: 1) the undercover nerd/intellect, 2) the mysterious silent type, 3) the rebel with tattoos and piercings.. nationality doesn't matter --- Some say that I have a secret life... I say that I just choose not to talk about it so freely --- I'm voted by my friends to most likely to be in a long relationship, perfect marriage, etcetera etcetera... I beg to differ.. I'll be lucky enough to get to that point.. Ha, Who the hell is gonna tolerate my disturbed mind for the rest of their life? Good luck with that ---
I have a secret addiction to music by evanescence, Linkin Park, Pink, and Green Day --- I have 7 tattoos with 7 complete stories --- I may have to wait a year AFTER i get my diploma to have a graduation ceremony --- I can sum up whether or not I am going to like a person in 2 conversations --- I hate watching TV --- Japanese Anime, peppermint ice cream, and bubble baths make me smile --- I like reading and taking risks --- If everything else in my life fails, I've decided that the cop-out plan will be to go back to my country, the Philippines --- I'm deathly terrified of silence, standing on the edge (esp. buildings), and clowns --- I want a chance to tell Drake that his whole album was the story of my relationship --- I officially found "myself" 3 years ago... take it how you want --- "Flectere si neqeo superos, Acheronta movebo... faber est quisque fortunae suae"... Its Latin figure it out...
And thus conclude my rant of thought for the evening...
Friday, November 27, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Split Personality/Stepping out of my character
I am not gonna talk in 3rd person in this one. This is far to important to do it. So, I sat up last night thinking and I wasn't thinking that I decided to do on impulse. This was thinking that has been looming in the crevices of my mind. And you may think that I reacted to you on impulse, but I beg to differ.
In my mind (in the beginning) I had doubts about whether I can handle your emotional baggage 'cuz of the last person that meant anything more than a girlfriend to you. And then I convinced myself that I could because your mind was quite open. But YOU being with ME is not the issue in question. It's you learning to throw away and delete memories of the past. How can you curse out my ex via text but have more pictures of you and "her" (TOGETHER) in your phone and your computer than me and you? After years, though? I could understand months, but not years. I know this as fact and you didn't even have to tell me. I'm not defending my ex but it is principle. You say its because you knew her for 6 years. I say your friendship was shorter than my last serious relationship. I've known him for 12 years, was cool BEFORE we were together, was engaged, and I STILL don't keep things like that of him. Justify it if you want, but I beg to differ. Call me crazy, call me territorial, but I could care less. Clearly, it doesn't matter to you and wouldn't bother you if the situation was flipped....
And I anticipated the "honeymoon" stage to end as it has now (that's pretty normal) and reached the ground level of reality. And right now I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you exactly how I feel minus all the LOL's. I am so serious. It bothers me, but it is quite trivial to you. Trivial? What's trivial is the fact that you will probably understand me more if you read this, rather than me telling you in our nighttime conversations. And why? 'Cuz I could barely keep your attention long enough to get through answering YOUR question of how MY day went. That's trivial. And honestly, as I make a mental notation of everytime you fail to listen to me I feel myself getting a little bit emotionally detached. And if you don't know why, then I guess you missed that in one of our conversations. Its just hard to take in that if you can't listen to me and understand where I am coming from then all I could leave you with is an ellipsis 'cuz its only going to affect the course of this. And this is not all because of some stupid pictures... that's just minute... its kind of more than that. I just foresee you and "her" as a barrier to "us" in the long run because I know ya'll have mutual friends, ya'll are cool, and what-not, but my feeling hasn't quite failed me yet. Honestly, I just still feel like you can't let go.
I talked it over with my girls and they said to just let it play out. So, I will. My feelings don't change too much. You may be saying that I may be thinking a little too into this or acting a little irrational, but as I said before, this IS NOT me acting on impulse this has been building. 'Cuz every little thing, problem, etc. no matter how minutiae has always messed up the bigger portrait. I am the jealous type, it happens. And if you feel some type of way or you do agree with the former, let me know. Take what you want from it. I'm a woman of my word and I don't hold grudges. So, after this moment, I'm going to drop it. As long as you know where I stand is all that matters to me.
"By tomorrow it will all be irrelevant"
In my mind (in the beginning) I had doubts about whether I can handle your emotional baggage 'cuz of the last person that meant anything more than a girlfriend to you. And then I convinced myself that I could because your mind was quite open. But YOU being with ME is not the issue in question. It's you learning to throw away and delete memories of the past. How can you curse out my ex via text but have more pictures of you and "her" (TOGETHER) in your phone and your computer than me and you? After years, though? I could understand months, but not years. I know this as fact and you didn't even have to tell me. I'm not defending my ex but it is principle. You say its because you knew her for 6 years. I say your friendship was shorter than my last serious relationship. I've known him for 12 years, was cool BEFORE we were together, was engaged, and I STILL don't keep things like that of him. Justify it if you want, but I beg to differ. Call me crazy, call me territorial, but I could care less. Clearly, it doesn't matter to you and wouldn't bother you if the situation was flipped....
And I anticipated the "honeymoon" stage to end as it has now (that's pretty normal) and reached the ground level of reality. And right now I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you exactly how I feel minus all the LOL's. I am so serious. It bothers me, but it is quite trivial to you. Trivial? What's trivial is the fact that you will probably understand me more if you read this, rather than me telling you in our nighttime conversations. And why? 'Cuz I could barely keep your attention long enough to get through answering YOUR question of how MY day went. That's trivial. And honestly, as I make a mental notation of everytime you fail to listen to me I feel myself getting a little bit emotionally detached. And if you don't know why, then I guess you missed that in one of our conversations. Its just hard to take in that if you can't listen to me and understand where I am coming from then all I could leave you with is an ellipsis 'cuz its only going to affect the course of this. And this is not all because of some stupid pictures... that's just minute... its kind of more than that. I just foresee you and "her" as a barrier to "us" in the long run because I know ya'll have mutual friends, ya'll are cool, and what-not, but my feeling hasn't quite failed me yet. Honestly, I just still feel like you can't let go.
I talked it over with my girls and they said to just let it play out. So, I will. My feelings don't change too much. You may be saying that I may be thinking a little too into this or acting a little irrational, but as I said before, this IS NOT me acting on impulse this has been building. 'Cuz every little thing, problem, etc. no matter how minutiae has always messed up the bigger portrait. I am the jealous type, it happens. And if you feel some type of way or you do agree with the former, let me know. Take what you want from it. I'm a woman of my word and I don't hold grudges. So, after this moment, I'm going to drop it. As long as you know where I stand is all that matters to me.
"By tomorrow it will all be irrelevant"
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
"Bored, Opening Up Battle Scars???"
Nothing has compelled me to write anything until about now. And this is something that was brought to my attention. And the title overshadows the topics I decided to cover....
"BORED"
I have come to this odd and maybe moreso trivial conclusion that problems in relationships come about when people are bored. Yea, I said it. When people focus too much on a relationship it seems as though their life starts becoming consumed with it to the point that they analyze it too damn much. And you may say to yourself "I am still lost what the hell are you talking about?" Think about it from a girl's point-of-view. If she starts getting consumed with the relationship and starts analyzing she is gonna wait for something to go wrong or she will find something wrong. And if you think that's not your girl, wait until she gets too caught up and you will know exactly what I am talking about. I figured that out when I started listening to people's problems. They came out to have the same incessant complaints: "We don't spend enough time", "He doesn't call enough", "He's not into me", "I don't think he loves me enough", "he's not romantic enough", and the list goes on. Maybe I am just a tad cold-hearted and I know how to naturally detach myself emotionally from certain aspects, but in reality we can't monitor the other person every minute, every second and we can't expect everything to be perfect and we can't sit and wait for something to go wrong. Yea, so I've had my own reserves in my own relationship, but thats partly my fault. I'm just afraid of giving my all once again and watching it fall to ruins. But, everyday I am being proven otherwise. So, I've learned to relax. We gotta learn to take speedbumps as they come and in the meantime cherish all the good times. If he/she's busy find something to do in the meantime 'cuz time apart makes the heart grow fonder. Relationships are better when you have things to talk about. Keep it interesting and it'll last longer.
"Opening Up"
So a question was posed to me on my way home from work. My homegirl wanted to know how to get a man to open up to her. She wants to know everything about him, especially how he feels about her/ where she stands in the relationship. Well, honestly I don't know if I can answer this question in its entirety but I'll try. You can't force it. Its something that he needs to do on his own. Its kind of a trust issue. If he trusts you enough, he will let you into that part of him. Not saying that men don't trust women or women don't trust men (sometimes that could be the case, lol) but it is quite a big step. Its kind of like love: you trust a person with the capability of breaking your heart at any given moment with the confidence in them that they won't do it. I suggested in trying to open up to him to see how he reacts. I mean, its not garunteed that he will reciprocate, but then again opening up is a 2-way street. Its hrad for me to open up, but when I do I trust that person to not judge me and be very understanding. Sometimes you have to sacrifice to gain. But, an even more simple step to make strides toward opening up is being honest. Just give it some time and when he's ready it will happen. No one falls in love overnight and no one is going to trust you with their inner story within the hour.
"Battle Scars"
Perfect title as I listen to Alicia Key's "A Lesson Learned". It reminds me of my very first blog, lol. Anyways, once again my homeboy, is having this reoccuring problem with the ex that he can't let go. Honestly, I just don't get it. How can someone continue to have deep feelings and crave to be with someone who blatantly says they were never in love with them in the first place? Or someone that continues to treat them as an option? Am I MISSING SOMETHING??? I can only help answer questions that people pose to me, NOT put a bandaid on battle scars. Its one thing when you can't let go. It took me 4 years to let go. And once I did, I LET GO!! I was caught up in having someone be there for me when I needed them to be and someone to listen to me, but the fact of the matter was we should've just been friends from jump. It would've saved me alot of lost time. But, when I really thought about it, he supplemented me and didn't complement me. SUPPLEMENT= when you think that someone completes you, COMPLEMENT= someone that you are compatible with that enhances you. Why do I say choose the latter? Someone who complements you is not only your significant other, but your best friend, your support system, and your lover. That's that "Michael Jackson" Love I once talked about... Hmm, I wonder what my man thinks he is.. Well, I don't wonder actually... He knows which category he falls in.
Just remember to Stay active, Stay Honest, Let things take their course, and JUST LET GO....
"BORED"
I have come to this odd and maybe moreso trivial conclusion that problems in relationships come about when people are bored. Yea, I said it. When people focus too much on a relationship it seems as though their life starts becoming consumed with it to the point that they analyze it too damn much. And you may say to yourself "I am still lost what the hell are you talking about?" Think about it from a girl's point-of-view. If she starts getting consumed with the relationship and starts analyzing she is gonna wait for something to go wrong or she will find something wrong. And if you think that's not your girl, wait until she gets too caught up and you will know exactly what I am talking about. I figured that out when I started listening to people's problems. They came out to have the same incessant complaints: "We don't spend enough time", "He doesn't call enough", "He's not into me", "I don't think he loves me enough", "he's not romantic enough", and the list goes on. Maybe I am just a tad cold-hearted and I know how to naturally detach myself emotionally from certain aspects, but in reality we can't monitor the other person every minute, every second and we can't expect everything to be perfect and we can't sit and wait for something to go wrong. Yea, so I've had my own reserves in my own relationship, but thats partly my fault. I'm just afraid of giving my all once again and watching it fall to ruins. But, everyday I am being proven otherwise. So, I've learned to relax. We gotta learn to take speedbumps as they come and in the meantime cherish all the good times. If he/she's busy find something to do in the meantime 'cuz time apart makes the heart grow fonder. Relationships are better when you have things to talk about. Keep it interesting and it'll last longer.
"Opening Up"
So a question was posed to me on my way home from work. My homegirl wanted to know how to get a man to open up to her. She wants to know everything about him, especially how he feels about her/ where she stands in the relationship. Well, honestly I don't know if I can answer this question in its entirety but I'll try. You can't force it. Its something that he needs to do on his own. Its kind of a trust issue. If he trusts you enough, he will let you into that part of him. Not saying that men don't trust women or women don't trust men (sometimes that could be the case, lol) but it is quite a big step. Its kind of like love: you trust a person with the capability of breaking your heart at any given moment with the confidence in them that they won't do it. I suggested in trying to open up to him to see how he reacts. I mean, its not garunteed that he will reciprocate, but then again opening up is a 2-way street. Its hrad for me to open up, but when I do I trust that person to not judge me and be very understanding. Sometimes you have to sacrifice to gain. But, an even more simple step to make strides toward opening up is being honest. Just give it some time and when he's ready it will happen. No one falls in love overnight and no one is going to trust you with their inner story within the hour.
"Battle Scars"
Perfect title as I listen to Alicia Key's "A Lesson Learned". It reminds me of my very first blog, lol. Anyways, once again my homeboy, is having this reoccuring problem with the ex that he can't let go. Honestly, I just don't get it. How can someone continue to have deep feelings and crave to be with someone who blatantly says they were never in love with them in the first place? Or someone that continues to treat them as an option? Am I MISSING SOMETHING??? I can only help answer questions that people pose to me, NOT put a bandaid on battle scars. Its one thing when you can't let go. It took me 4 years to let go. And once I did, I LET GO!! I was caught up in having someone be there for me when I needed them to be and someone to listen to me, but the fact of the matter was we should've just been friends from jump. It would've saved me alot of lost time. But, when I really thought about it, he supplemented me and didn't complement me. SUPPLEMENT= when you think that someone completes you, COMPLEMENT= someone that you are compatible with that enhances you. Why do I say choose the latter? Someone who complements you is not only your significant other, but your best friend, your support system, and your lover. That's that "Michael Jackson" Love I once talked about... Hmm, I wonder what my man thinks he is.. Well, I don't wonder actually... He knows which category he falls in.
Just remember to Stay active, Stay Honest, Let things take their course, and JUST LET GO....
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Revolution of Evolution: Tribute to College
In college, I've learned and heard it all. I learned to love, live,hold, hate, communicate, cheat, steal, cry, reveal, expose, be resourceful, fight, be humble, speak, out, strive, fail, succeed, splurge, budget, credit check, let go, connect, move on, and grow the hell up. But its more than that. And here it goes...
I learned the true meaning of an all-nighter before an exam. I learned that one bad grade does not ruin your lifetime career goals. How your whole world crashes down when you felt like you put your all into something when you really failed. How important energy drinks are to the college diet. How sad it is to lose someone or something. The real meaning of "broke". That peer pressure really exists. How people use hallucinogens not for individual corruption but social bonding. I learned that when people say "I was drunk" its NOT a valid excuse. How to deal with the real world. How to be revolutionary and stand up for a cause. How we are one step from life-changing events, especially if its parenthood. Friends come and go, but some are there forever. Firsts happen in college. Giving back to the community is fulfilling. Working and going to school is a religion, everyone follows it. School is a culture clash of people, ethnicities, styles, music, and stories. Learning what "type" you are and what you like. That 90% of men are superficial and then ironically have the the nerve to look for more substance afterwards. Men and women cheat equally, but don't get caught equally. Manipulation can be good and bad, and that's something you have to decipher yourself. It's easy to lose yourself. Its never easy to let go of your first love. I mean, let's be truthful, 85% chance if you are dating someone less than 6 months they probably have more pictures of their ex/ last serious relationship than they have of you even though they claim to be be "over it". To never let someone abuse you mentally, physically, or emotionally. What it is to really act out a "bust your windows" episode and risk being arrested. The joy of achievement. The glory of walking across that stage and obtaining that diploma. The sadness and anger when you find out your are ONE class short of graduation. The worry when you don't know how your gonna pay for rent AND next semester.
And then it got personal...
I learned how one person can let anger build up to the breaking point of no return. And after thousands of tears and the 2nd suicide attempt I knew it was time to realize. And after walking into my therapist's office that next afternoon it was apparent that I didn't need any assistance for my past but all I needed was someone who cared enough to talk to and listen. Then, I learned never to give a man the power to let me down. To never let a woman ruin my life with mailicious words. To not expect everything to go my way. To not think I can do everything by myself. To be dependent in an independent mannerism. To care for people even when they don't care about me. That life is more than what we think. Speaking your mind weighs more than grudges. No one's childhood is perfect. To be more supportive and open in relationships. To stop being the chick on the side or friend with benefits. That heartbreak happens sometimes. That HIS past shouldn't affect OUR future. That being better and prettier than the last chick shouldn't be the main focus in our relationship. That tears are temporary and smiles are forever.
To never settle.... I'm capable of so much more 'cuz tomorrow is never promised. And that, that was college.
I learned the true meaning of an all-nighter before an exam. I learned that one bad grade does not ruin your lifetime career goals. How your whole world crashes down when you felt like you put your all into something when you really failed. How important energy drinks are to the college diet. How sad it is to lose someone or something. The real meaning of "broke". That peer pressure really exists. How people use hallucinogens not for individual corruption but social bonding. I learned that when people say "I was drunk" its NOT a valid excuse. How to deal with the real world. How to be revolutionary and stand up for a cause. How we are one step from life-changing events, especially if its parenthood. Friends come and go, but some are there forever. Firsts happen in college. Giving back to the community is fulfilling. Working and going to school is a religion, everyone follows it. School is a culture clash of people, ethnicities, styles, music, and stories. Learning what "type" you are and what you like. That 90% of men are superficial and then ironically have the the nerve to look for more substance afterwards. Men and women cheat equally, but don't get caught equally. Manipulation can be good and bad, and that's something you have to decipher yourself. It's easy to lose yourself. Its never easy to let go of your first love. I mean, let's be truthful, 85% chance if you are dating someone less than 6 months they probably have more pictures of their ex/ last serious relationship than they have of you even though they claim to be be "over it". To never let someone abuse you mentally, physically, or emotionally. What it is to really act out a "bust your windows" episode and risk being arrested. The joy of achievement. The glory of walking across that stage and obtaining that diploma. The sadness and anger when you find out your are ONE class short of graduation. The worry when you don't know how your gonna pay for rent AND next semester.
And then it got personal...
I learned how one person can let anger build up to the breaking point of no return. And after thousands of tears and the 2nd suicide attempt I knew it was time to realize. And after walking into my therapist's office that next afternoon it was apparent that I didn't need any assistance for my past but all I needed was someone who cared enough to talk to and listen. Then, I learned never to give a man the power to let me down. To never let a woman ruin my life with mailicious words. To not expect everything to go my way. To not think I can do everything by myself. To be dependent in an independent mannerism. To care for people even when they don't care about me. That life is more than what we think. Speaking your mind weighs more than grudges. No one's childhood is perfect. To be more supportive and open in relationships. To stop being the chick on the side or friend with benefits. That heartbreak happens sometimes. That HIS past shouldn't affect OUR future. That being better and prettier than the last chick shouldn't be the main focus in our relationship. That tears are temporary and smiles are forever.
To never settle.... I'm capable of so much more 'cuz tomorrow is never promised. And that, that was college.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)