Almost Halftime Speech

I deleted it all. I deleted the bad memories. All the reminders of how I got hurt. Some posts stayed. They stayed as symbols for me. Symbols that they should never be repeated.

I spent a lot of time searching for myself. I think I get too immersed in love, career, health, finances, family, and making it from day to day that I forget about the most important person.... Me. I know I give an oversensitive reaction to too much stress especially when I take on too many things. I learned how to say no and chill the fuck out a little. I began to think more about the world. Observe more. And forget the negative things that I have encountered. Since then I have grown as a person, as a woman. I think many of the lessons that were conveyed to me started manifesting themselves in true form and I'm happier because of it. I started understanding the world and people for who they are. And I think it increased my wisdom, but I also can be imagining that too.

As for me, I started appreciating me for me. In how I look and taking pride in the things I do and say while accepting criticism as it comes. I wrote down specific aims for me to work on a person throughout the year and so far, almost halfway through, I'm progressing.

I'm in a happier state. I was putting everyone else before me. This time will be different. :)

And Don't Forget!!!

Support a nonprofit to help uplift the children of NYC!!! Go to www.coolkidsny.org today

About this Take-Home HIV Test....

So while I've had ample time to mentally and physically get my life together I've decided to return from my blogging hiatus on a health-related note (since my life seems completely surrounded by health information anyway). Now what has recently happened is that the FDA has approved a take-home HIV test. (article link below)

ABC New: FDA Approves first rapid take-home HIV test

I'm sure most people would be clapping right now because of this new avenue of sexual health prevention and accessibility, but not so fast... Did they even think about how effective this new thing really is? Just because you make something that sounds amazing does NOT mean that it is guaranteed to be amazing. This is a problem many people in the health arena have when creating a new program, initiative, policy, or product. I mean this product sounds great but everything has pros and cons to it. So for my inquisitive people, who care about health in any form or fashion, here are my top 5 cons to why I think this take-home HIV test won't be a good idea.

#5 "Affordability"
Ok... so you have a take-home test but how affordable is it going to be? You expect people to drop $60 on a HIV test that they can get for free at the neighborhood clinic? Lets be real. Affordability is an ongoing problem in the world of health then they state that this test is going to run them that much. When people have the HIV tests blasted to them for free only a few use these opportunities. Now you think its going to get the people going when you tell them that its $60? People will drop $600 on an iphone before they get a FREE HIV test every 6 months now! But who listens to the little asian girl anyway right?

---> Another article <----

#4 "Timing"
So if you are thinking about buying this take home HIV test, do you know what the time period is in order to test yourself correctly? One thing that health products have a hard time doing is EXPLAINING THINGS, so I wouldn't put it past the makers to forget key things that the public should know in their cute packets. Understand that most HIV tests diagnose HIV infection by detecting antibodies produced by the individual's immune system when they are exposed to HIV. However, it does take some time for enough of those antibodies to be present to be detected by the antibody HIV test. The time it takes for people to have produced enough antibodies varies; anywhere from 2 to 8 weeks or longer, with the average being about 25 days. Now, if that is something that is not explained in the instructions, you are going to have people buying this test the day after they have sex thinking that they don't have HIV, when their status is still questionable. So, if your timing isn't correct you just wasted approximately $60. So, proceed with caution.



#3 "Confidentiality"
You bought the test with a credit or debit card (just like 80% of the people that you know since we are too cool to carry cash these days) and now that shows up in your statement, on your bank statement, and the company knows who you are too. How confidential is that? Then, after you used the test, its in your garbage. Regardless of whether it is a positive or negative test your personal health information is just as important as your social security number. And most of the people that will use the test will just throw it in the garbage. I wonder if the makers thought about that.

#2 "Notification"
Ok maybe you have responses for my last 3 concerns but how will you control those people who don't notify their partner for HIV? When you test in a health facility they urge you or take control by notifying your current or recent partner that they should also get tested for HIV. But, if you give people the option to take it at home I am curious of the likelihood for them to call up their current or recent partner and say "Hey I have HIV". With the stigmas around HIV, I can imagine it would be difficult for one to notify someone they are not in a relationship with/casually involved with/ dating/ married to/(insert whatever relationship statuses you identify with). I've personally seen some people who are hesitant to notify their partner in a health setting so I can imagine what kind of hesitation would be involved if the only person who knows of their HIV status is themselves. It leaves too much leeway for the "no one has to know" factor. Not sure if that will be addressed in the take home HIV test package.


#1 "After Shock"
The final concern that I have regarding this issue is people and their initial reaction to a positive HIV test. People will most likely be in the privacy of their own home taking this test and what happens when they first find out they might have HIV? Most reactions of people who find out can range from shock to depressed to suicidal. How will we monitor that? The American Psychological Association talks about a case study that analyzed a possible correlation between HIV diagnosis and suicide. It showed that the rate of suicide attempts in their test population increased after diagnosis. Although this is a small test population its still leaves question as to how people will react after they find out they have HIV. What is the likelihood they will seek additional care? Will they be at risk for suicidal thought? Will there be resources included in this package to help prevent this? I don't know.

Part of my job is to analyze, question, understand, then improve so maybe I'm trained to look into this more than usual. But, this post was not intended for you to say "Eff the take home HIV test", but rather to think about these new products. You might think this is a good idea, but until my issues regarding this product have a solution, I'm not sold. People are quick to agree to things without questioning for themselves. Question to understand. And.. STOP waiting for this take-home HIV test to know your status.

A Nice lil throwback from 2007 that I'm listening to: Little Dragon - "Constant Surprises"
(sidenote I love Yukimi Nagano's voice!)

"Fear the Angels in the City": Relay For Life....

This will be a short post. Promise.

I could't sleep and I looked at my wall at those running tags I hung up when I moved into my apartment. I remember having a convo with Ayesha at 1412 about how track played a major part in our lives. And I thought to myself. It did. I owe my track coach my success. If there wasn't anyone to believe in me or my track team, our track coaches especially Vinny did.

People came from everywhere to run with us: college alumni, Bronx, Harlem, Queens, Long Island, Brooklyn, Staten Island. We made up the TTC/Starlets/ SPHS "camp". Track wasn't just our sport. It was our life. He knew what it took to make great runners, motivated individuals, and all-around successful people despite what you were dealing with internally and externally. We spent 7 days a week together as a team. Workouts, time trials, weight room, Sunday 10 mile runs, races. Rain, sleet, snow, hail, thunderstorm, sun, helicopters flying around the projects, whatever. We were there. And I miss it.

(Don't mind this picture its old and I look bad grrr)

Practice not only prepared me to be on a team. Our coaches built us to have heart. Whatever it is we pursue in life. I'll never forget how many times he recited Theodore Roosevelt's speech excerpt, "Man In The Arena". One of the reasons I can never forget the excerpt lol:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Below is a glimpse of one of the weekly talks we used to get from Vinny Giles (our coach) posted by one of my track sisters Whitney. (This is an amazing video by the way Whit)

I can never forget to Keep Striving.

2012: Year of The Come-up

Straight up now tell me... lol



Ok.... I have been waiting patiently to do this... A "Lets reflect on where I was a year ago" post. I was all fucked up a year ago. I lost EVERYTHING. My man left me because he was scared. I had nowhere to live because we were supposed to move in with each other. On top of that, I spent the last 2 months of my undergraduate semester sleeping on my homegirl's floor. (SIDENOTE: Seriously Brit, I am IN DEBT to you forever, I stayed in your house rent free at one of theeee lowest points in my life. You were there when I needed somewhere to live and you were right there when I was depressed. Now THAT is a homegirl forreal forreal. Anyways....) I had no more job prospects lined up because they were all on the west coast and I turned down everything on the east coast. I just got laid off from my federal job, no one was hiring, and I was nervous about graduating. Like. If I didn't pass that ONE class I wasn't graduating. Typical struggle for most but it was alot for me at one time. That was end of 2010/2011. Now let's talk about where I am now.

Let's start with employment. So during that 2011 time I was in my mother's house (something I told her I wouldn't do the day I left for college) applying for jobs. I applied to Philly, NYC, DC, Jersey, VA, wherever. I was on a schedule. Each day I would wake up at 9a and apply until 4p. It. Sucked. So. Bad. I remember even tellin Van that companies posting jobs was a joke. Seemed like so many jobs were available but no one was hiring. Then there was that one day I got that email from the Philadelphia Dept of Public Health. It was a win in my eyes. Somewhat of a stable paycheck and got to get out of my moms house. It was a contract position for Health educator for 6 months. At that point, I didn't care. It was money and I had to start somewhere. To date, I haven't left yet. I was promoted from Health Educator to Health Program Coordinator. I went from working on a project, to heading 3 projects and writing a policy. **Steph voice** "Know Me".

The second thing is something I am soooo insecure about: my weight. I'm going to be real. In 2011, I let my depression take over my life. I ate too damn much and let the weight pack on. By March of 2011 I was 210 lbs. Yes, bitch. Two hundred and eleven pounds. I. Lost. It. I decided to get my life together and do everything I could to lose weight. I'm talking pole dancing class, yoga, P90x, Insanity, gym workouts, running, reduced-carb diet, no carb diet, Beyonce lemonade diet... all that... Finally I got into a good workout regimen and stuck with it for a while. One year later I am 43lbs lighter. I feel blessed to have the courage to stick with my workout plan. But, I needed to get my life together.

This was me THEN in 2011:

This is me NOW in 2012:

(Lol I feel like a fat commercial or something)
Even now my workout regimen is as follows:
Monday- Run the Ben Franklin Bridge, gym workout
Tuesday- Gym, pole dancing class
Wednesday- pole dancing class
Thursday- run the Ben Frankling bridge, gym
Friday- pole dancing class, yoga
Saturday- chill
Sunday- chill (and in some not lazy cases yoga)

The last comeup I think I have experienced is just gaining insight on things and stop being so emotionally invested in people. I've learned to let go on alot of things: friends, relationships, people, job opps, etc etc. There are alot of people that don't want to see you succeed and it takes some squinting to see it. But its there. I've made a re-dedication to ME and where I want to be in life. It took me a while to realize that. And no one is going to stop me now **Akon voice** "Cuz I'm a rider, I'm a sole survivor.." lol...

"Cette Fois L'an Dernier": Breaking the Hiatus...

Now Playing: "The City"- The Game, Kendrick Lamar.. Kendrick Lamar goes in on this track and I highly appreciate it...

Soo yea... I have finally returned from my hiatus. My hiatus initially started because work picked up and then slowly progressed into a learning experiment. Its only been a lil over two months and surprisingly I have learned alot about myself. I'm just going to write this out in random sentences because I don't have the patience to throw this into like 6 blogposts (I have other things to do).

First things first. I don't trust people. I think most people will betray you at some point and I would rather be alone than risk it by trusting someone else. Its probably because of my upbringing but whatever, I'm working on it... I hate liars. I get really disappointed when people let me down. I think that people like to assume are all idiots... I find myself falling into the true virgo construct: lose interest as fast as I gain it. Whatever... Call it keeping up with the times. I take pride in the circle of the female and male friends that I have, I love each and every one of you. I think I have learned to confide in each of you alot more... I learned in this time that I easily get overwhelmed. When that happens, I break the absolute fuck down. I'm learning to control it. Eh... I learned that when I stop living for you, I start living for me. And that made me realize my worth. Ladies, when u try this it will be so liberating #Trust. Also, thank you jedi for that talk about being pragmatic in approach. I have been able to apply it to a number of things and it has helped me sooo much... I realized that I can't be scared anymore. Scared of what is and what isn't. That will impede my learning progress... I need to control alot of things mentally that I thought I could do by myself...

I learned in relationships to let the fuck go whether it be friendships, significant other, whatever. If you can't change it, don't try to anymore. Stop caring more about people and their well-being than they care about you... I was talking with one of my best friends, Le, about jealousy. Being jealous fucking sucks. I was moderately jealous in the past, but thats because I didn't care about the men I dated as much as I thought. I would just "fake love" them and leave them. Then when I did care it was all over for me. I got overwhelmed. Too much. Relationships are a learning process for all parties involved... For everyone else in a relationship, whatever you do when your significant other isn't around picture your significant other in the same situation. If its something you wouldn't like to see, then I suggest you shouldn't do it either. If it gets you tight when the situation is reversed or you know damn well in your heart you wouldn't like it, then don't do it yourself. At all. A difference in perception can be the difference in your relationship. Let it marinate. Moving on, I learned I'm obsessed with budgeting my money.Maybe thats a good thing... One thing I do hate though is when people offer me "hush money" or money to make up for something else. No. Bitch. I want what I asked for and if you throw money in my face, I'll throw something physical at your face. I came from a society that believes in Hammurabi's Code and there is nothing to really get me out of that... I learned that I was built to be a CEO. I have this "I don't give a fuck Imma say what I can and I will get the job done" attitude. 2 of my coworkers call me "Ms. Sassy". I have no fear in the workplace sometimes (gift and a curse). I'm not over my job, I'm over the politics behind it... I'm trying to think what else I have learned...... Oh.... I immerse myself too much in my work. The fact that I read during, after, and before work makes me think what else am I doing? I go out here and there, workout, but thats about it. Smh. Boring...

In the meantime, I'll be here waiting for my graduate school applications to be processed. Hopefully I get into my programs **crosses fingers***

Happy Black History Month

#BlackLove lol