Brooklyn Bridge Colloquialisms...

Thoughts semmed to be clouding my mind more than usual lately. Incessantly, I wake up doing the same things to make time pass: workout, apply for jobs, check email, read, and conjure something to do. Stress over thinking about where I want to be in life in relation to having an opportunity to get there has been building over the last few weeks. And as my mind effortlessly progressed on the incline towards insanity my fingers trembled as I helplessly tried to peer at the very playlist that never let me down. I found one song that never failed in liberating my thoughts..... "Hometown Glory" by Adele (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BW9Fzwuf43c)

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Somehow on a Monday, dead in the middle of January, at 9p, here I was... on the Brooklyn Bridge searching for mental clarity. It was not uncommon that I ended up somewhere random to think when pressure built up. Anyways, there were so many things I needed to address mentally. It was my fault because I did exactly what I was instructed NOT to do: I let everything build up until I just broke down... I made the trek to the most medial pillar of the bridge, leaned against it, and faced the structures that composed the New York City skyline... AS I slid towards the ground to sit, so did my tears... I let the stress get the best of me... Dammit...

I sat there for what seemed an unending hour in my jacket that was probably not fit for this type of winter weather and plastered my inner mental compositions across the sky. They were mostly the stresses of this unending job search. I got to a point where I was convinced that companies would put up jobs as a sick fucking joke. Countless applications were filled and I got NO callbacks whatsoever. I just stared at the lights and traced the NYC skyline with my eyes to ease my mind. It was as if I tried to write my thoughts across the sky, but no one else could read it. They just remained... illiterate. It was like that conversation I had with this girl who wanted to be my mentee. I usually like to delve deeper into the crevices of ones inner thoughts for stimulating conversation. With her, I tried to analyze her mental direction.... or rather if she had any to begin with. It came to points in the conversation where I would say "come walk in my shoes for a day"... She replies "the new Gucci ones right?"... I said "I dream of 401Ks and greatness"... and she says "Isn't that a new Kanye song?"... I just couldn't take it. I had to immediately remove myself from the conversation. All she was good for was defeating the purpose. I couldn't even fathom the level of intelligence she possessed. She was one of those girls with the perfect body shape and cute face. And what troubles me the most is that guys really go for this type of girl: all physical, no mental. I gotta go... If this is the case I need to erase myself from the dating scene before I even start. I might lose brain cells in the process.

Then, my mind shifted swiftly to the next topic... recovering from the effects of my recent relationship. That is its own issue in itself. It perplexes me how something can affect you physically if you aren't totally over it mentally. I'm just going to leave it at that. It took those convos with Tiff and Ms. She to keep me grounded for the last couple of weeks. I did learn 2 important lessons though. 1) When it comes to choosing between your relationship and your career, CHOOSE YOUR CAREER. This was the second time I made this mistake and I ended up losing.... more than what I imagined.... 2) This is a lesson I believe in the most and I think others should perpetuate this... "Love is liberating... Love means my 'I love you's' are the same even if you were in China or if you were next door. Distance doesn't make me think different. Time is never an issue. Love is when I can willingly encourage you to go explore your dreams even if it means you leaving me behind". I guess every relationship is meant to teach you something new.

The last root of stress originated from the construction of this graduation speech. I remember staring at the application and it said to fill out the application, submit a transcript, 2 letters of reference, and my speech. I think the speech was my breaking point. I have so many thoughts and feelings I want to convey in this one piece, the last address I will ever make to the University and I couldn't even start it. How could I take 5 1/2 years of struggle, stress, and gutter rainbows and lace it with inspiration to convince the higher ups that this one speech should be chosen? My mind is as complex as the mathematics that embellishes calculus problems and it just kept running with so many thoughts. They floated from all the talks me and Vu had about surviving and succeeding in this world during my freshman year to my period of depression to my classmate's, Gina, death last year to the moment I finished my last final exam of my college career. As I played verbal roulette, I frantically searched for the words that encompassed every blog post I ever made, every situation a student could ever go through, and every inspirational phrase I could think of.... And the first line of my speech goes like this.... "Whoever told you that you weren't good enough lied to you"..... Currently, Im still refining the memories and scanning the proper intonations to weave this speech.... As I reached a plateau of clarity a runner ran past me and broke me out of the abyss I created an hour before... I deeply exhaled and hopped on the train to make my journey back home... I got what I needed to finish what I started....